The ADHD Brain and Systems – Part 2

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Part 1 of The ADHD Brain and Systems addresses how the ADHD brain reacts to the systems we implement to bring order and control to our lives. It also provides three strategies you can use to make a system more effective. If you have not read part 1 yet, pause here and read it before proceeding.

Remember Carla from part 1? She and I worked together to solve her systems problem. We explored the routine she had put in place for her day. As we probed and processed, she concluded that she expected her system to do too much. She acknowledged that she had created it based on how she believed she “should” do it. She realized that her expectation of the system to take her from zero order to strict and rigid structure in one fell swoop was unrealistic and unattainable. 

When you think about yourself and your past systems, does this sound familiar?

Do you want to create better systems for yourself?

Consider these Five Tips for Getting Started:

Reflect on your old discarded systems. Mine them for the gems that were useful and effective. Consider characteristics or patterns those gems have in common. How can you incorporate those into systems you create for yourself moving forward?

 

Keep it simple. This phrase seems so over used, yet it is so true. I have clients who spend hours, days even, creating complex systems with bells, whistles, and baubles of all sizes and colors to account for any and every possibility. Their systems are detailed, comprehensive, complex, and attractive but not practical. Their brains enjoy the creative process of putting them together but balk at actual implementation because the systems are too overwhelming and complicated to use. So, keep it simple.

 

Use a system that works with YOUR brain. This requires some self observation, analysis, and, above all, honesty. It also requires you to let go of the idea (hope) that someone other than you knows the perfect magic way of doing things that will make everything in your life fall into place.

 

Keep your expectations realistic. 100% consistency isn’t an achievable goal. How about putting into place a repeatable structure that you can implement 70% of the time on average and fall back to when life gets messy?

 

Get a thinking partner. It’s hard to ask yourself the hard questions and be objective about your responses when just doing it in your head. A coach is specially trained to collaborate with you to help you move forward. If setting up with a coach doesn’t feel like the right move for you, a trusted friend or family member may be able to fill the role. Who is a person in your life who can listen, ask good questions, and collaborate with you to process your wants, needs, patterns, skills, and so forth?

What’s your next move?

Turn Ideas into Action

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To Be Liked or To Be Likable, That Is the Question

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The 9th-grade English teacher, after receiving the call over the intercom to come to the office, gave the class a writing assignment

and excused himself from the classroom. He trusted his students to diligently pursue excellence in his absence.

Silence encapsulated the room as students put pen to paper. Then the door clicked closed. Relief washed over the students, anxious to release their pent up need for socializing. Friendly chatter erupted. Laughter followed. Students ventured out of their desks across the room to visit their friends.

For one young man, this brief reprieve from the constraints of classroom decorum was not enough. Not only did he engage in chatter, and laughter, and wandering around the room, but he climbed atop a desk and began traversing from one side of the room to the other by athletically leaping from obstacle to obstacle and loudly calling attention to his feat. 

All eyes turned to him. Loud cheers urged him on in his quest for the spotlight. The young man goaded students, who had managed to keep working despite the chaos he created, to join him in his fun. He felt energized and unstoppable. He was receiving exactly what he wanted: to be perceived as the cool kid that everyone yearned to be friends with.

The other students, more self-aware and less willing to be caught in non-compliance, kept a watch on the closed door. They saw the form of the teacher in the rectangular sliver of a window and heard the knob turn and felt the breeze from the hallway as the door opened. Immediately, they postured as if they had been writing the entire time. 

This left the blond, blue-eyed desk-leaper looking conspicuous in his mid-air lunge toward the teacher’s table. He landed in a stack of papers, sending them wafting upward and outward. The teacher’s eyes locked on the boy’s through the papers drifting to the floor.

The young man was awarded a trip to the office, detention, 25 bear crawls at baseball practice, and one phone call home to me, his mother, to explain the situation. In his misguided effort to be liked by his classmates, my son failed to forecast the potential  consequences.

By adulthood, most of us do not act out in quite so obvious ways. Nonetheless, we are still plagued with that age-old dilemma: to be liked or to be likeable? Have you considered the difference? What does it mean to be liked? What does it mean to be likeable? Which goal motivates you more, and how does motivation toward that end influence your behavior, your happiness, and your success?

My son’s sole purpose was to be liked by his peers. He confused being liked with being likeable. He quickly discovered, however, that although his classmates really, really liked him in the moment, they distanced themselves from him afterward. They liked his wildness and his disregard for conforming to expectations, but they didn’t find him to be likeable.

People who desire to be liked and place a premium on it tend to do three things:

  1. Blur their personal boundaries. They are reluctant to stand strong on their personal beliefs and values. When the goal is to be liked, people tend to mold themselves to the expectations of others. They forego what they would generally claim to be important to them. There is a fear that if they clearly demarcate their boundaries, others will view them as overbearing, wrong in what they believe, narrow-minded, hard-headed, unfriendly, shallow. So they bend to the whim and will of whoever they are with in order to be liked.
  2. Fail to ask for what they want. Again, this is out of fear. No one wants to be seen as needy or demanding. People driven to be liked are especially sensitive to the impression they feel others have of them. Thus, they never make their own needs, wants, or desires known to others. They believe they are more likeable if they never come right out and ask for what they want.
  3. Act on impulse. See the above story about my son as an example. When we are motivated by the goal of being liked, we do things we ordinarily would not. We act out of character. Perhaps we tell an off-color joke to get a laugh or we do something potentially dangerous to grab admiration.

People motivated by the goal of being likeable tend to do three things:

  1. Behave consistently. We like them because we know that our perception of who they are and how they will behave is accurate. People who are likeable are predictable and dependable. They demonstrate self-awareness which translates into confidence. They like themselves, so we like them, too.
  2. Honor other people’s boundaries. They listen to others in order to learn about them. They accept others as they are for what they value and believe. Though people who operate from a stance of being likeable may challenge someone to leave her comfort zone, they won’t ask her to act against strongly held values and beliefs. There will always be respect for the other person. 
  3. Express empathy. Likeable people generally have high emotional intelligence. They’re able to recognize and identify emotions in themselves and others and to respond appropriately. They don’t discount the feelings of another person, nor do they try to tell others how they should feel. Because they are able to lean into us (empathize), they pull us toward them (being likeable).

Fortunately, my son, too, has come a long way from the 9th-grade version of himself. Now in his 20s, he has a deep and wide network of friends. He attracts people to him, not by impulsive antics, but by authenticity. Although he got there the hard way, he has become an incredibly likeable person.

How do you think being liked versus being likeable affects a person’s success? Where do you fall on the spectrum between the two? What can you work on to become more likeable?

 

Four Steps to Maintaining Your Boundaries: The Man in Plaid Pants

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A summer week in Savannah with my grandparents came with the heady juxtaposition of townhouse living with a parking lot to play in against farm living and running fields in rural georgia.

Staying with my grandparents also came with challenges. There was the series of clown portraits that lined the wall of the staircase leading to the room I slept in. There was the sweet odor of overripe melon that hung thick in their kitchen. And there was the man in plaid pants.

The summer I was four, during my week-long stay, my grandparents decided to take me to lunch and show me off to friends. This is where I met the man in plaid pants. My grandparents introduced me to him, and what happened next has been repeated in my family a thousand times in the years since.

I refused to speak to the man in plaid pants. I refused to look at the man in plaid pants. I refused to sit next to the man in plaid pants. I refused to give in to my grandparents’ acrobatics to get me to quit being rude and acknowledge the man in plaid pants. When sternly interrogated about my motivations, I defended my actions with the simple statement, “I don’t like his pants.” The adults laughed, covering my grandparents’ embarrassment and confusion.

I relate this brief memoir to illustrate that it is never enough to follow the oft offered advice, “Know your boundaries.” Evaluating your values and naming your boundaries is important and necessary work. Yet, what good is knowing your boundaries if you don’t maintain them in the face of challenge?

A note on vocabulary: I use the word “maintain” boundaries not “defend” boundaries. “Defend” implies aggression, battle, and potential weakness and defeat. Approaching the topic from that mindset indicates that we see the world as threatening and see our boundaries as permeable. When we “maintain” boundaries, we do it from a place of strength and self-confidence. We view the world as engaging in collaborative union with us to achieve our best outcomes and view our boundaries as those solid structures that bind us in that union.

Four Steps to Maintaining Your Boundaries

1. Articulate your boundaries clearly.
Knowing your boundaries and articulating your boundaries are two different actions. Knowing happens in our heads and is an intangible intermingling of thoughts, images, facts, and emotions. Articulating involves a clear, verbal explanation of what we will not tolerate or allow from another person. Being open and specific about parameters and defining our expectations honors the other person and what/he she needs to know to engage with us successfully.

2. Understand that power disparities do not negate your boundaries.
Your boundary is your boundary is your boundary. It exists in alignment with your values. Your core values do not change to fit a relationship or a situation; therefore, your boundaries do not change to fit a relationship or a situation.

3. Demonstrate compassion.
We are designed to be in relationship with other humans, yes. Paradoxically, we are also designed to serve our own self-interests. This can cause communication breakdown. Thus, not everyone we are in relationship with will understand our words or trust our motives. Acknowledge other people’s points of view while standing strong on your own.

4. Respond to “Why?” with “What?”
Frequently, when people take issue with a boundary we’ve set, they demand to know the “why” behind the boundary. When we respond to “why” questions, we come from a place of defensiveness, which opens the door for the other person to debate us on our particular decision. The best way to respond to a “why” question is to ask something like, “What are your concerns?” or “What information can I give you?” The other person feels heard, the challenge is diffused, and you receive valuable feedback about his/her perspective.

Social Anxiety and the Drive to Be Liked

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According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 12% of Americans experience Social Anxiety Disorder at some point over the course of their life. “Disorder” is the key word. Twelve-percent of people experience social anxiety to such a degree that it disrupts their daily activities and obligations and is outside the range of normal worry and fear.

Let’s assume that another 10%-12% of people are at the other extreme of the anxiety continuum: they never experience social anxiety. This segment of the population may suffer from other mental health issues, but they are not going home after a party wondering if they made a good impression.

That leaves 76%, or, if you prefer fractions, ¾ of Americans who feel some level of social anxiety at various times over the course of their days, weeks, months, and years. And it’s NORMAL! And the anxiety is even USEFUL if we leverage it well.

During a recent session, a client identified social anxiety as a topic to explore. This client more often than not automatically says “Yes” to requests/opportunities/invitations before gathering all the information needed to make an informed decision. The results aren’t always great. When I asked the client to list contributors to his tendency to rush in, the desire to be liked made the top five.

We all want to be liked, right? We exert efforts to be liked in our workplaces, in our homes, in our social organizations, at parties, at informal gatherings, and even with strangers we may never see again.

Think about it. When was the last time you agreed to something, said something, did something because you wanted the other person to like you? Did you feel remorse about it later? Did you wonder why you did or said something so out of character for yourself? More than that, did you achieve your goal? Did you get people to like YOU? The real YOU? Or did you just end up feeling used, taken advantage of, or inauthentic? Are these grounds for building lasting, strong relationships with others? Did your social anxiety decrease with your increased effort?

I’m going to pose to you the same question that I posed to my client: What is the difference between “wanting to be liked” and “being liked”?

On the surface, this appears to be a somewhat existential examination of the human condition in which we conclude “I am liked, therefore I am.” I encourage you, as I encouraged my client, to delve deeper, to truly think it through in terms of thoughts, emotions, behaviors, motivations, outcomes, and so forth.

To do your own examination, make three columns on a piece of paper. Use the header “Questions” in the first column, the header “Wanting to be Liked” in the second column, and the header “Being Liked” in the third column.

In the first column, under the “Questions” header, list the following questions, providing enough space between them to create room to answer each question in columns two and three:
1) What is the source? From where does it derive?
2) How does it make me feel? What emotions do I experience?
3) What behaviors do I typically do in response?
4) What are my typical thoughts when this is happening?
5) How would I create more of it?
6) How would I create less of it?
7) What is the typical outcome?

After listing the questions, move to the “Wanting to be Liked” column and begin answering the questions. What is the source of “wanting to be liked”? How does “wanting to be liked” make you feel? And so forth. Then do the same for the “Being Liked” column. Take your time. Think deeply. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Write down your truths even if they’re uncomfortable.

Read through your finished product and again consider the question: What is the difference between “wanting to be liked” and “being liked”? What evidence do you have that “wanting to be liked” actually leads to “being liked”? Which one contributes more to achieving goals? How do your old way of thinking and your new understanding relate to your general experience of social anxiety? What would you do differently going forward?

While your answers and your conclusions are your own with revelations and epiphanies individual to you, I do have some thoughts to share: Social anxiety is a normal part of human existence. The more time we spend in the state of wanting people to like us, the more social anxiety we are likely to feel. And finally, the opposite of wanting people to like us IS NOT not caring what people think of us (popular but heavily flawed advice). The opposite of wanting people to like us is being liked.

 

“Just Do You” Is Your Biggest Roadblock

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YOU are a fabulous person with many wonderful qualities. The attributes you share with the world make it a better place. And as your coach, I would tell you that the more specific you can be when naming those attributes the more beneficial it is to fully appreciating who you are in this very moment and who you are becoming as you grow toward your goals.

Yellow and Brown Textile

But I would NEVER tell you, “Just do you.” NEVER. Saying those words to you would be like telling you that I have no confidence in your quest for self-development. It would be like telling you to surrender to your current circumstances, to be content with good enough, to quit your curiosity about what could be.

Clinging to the comfort (and cop out) of “You do you” is your biggest roadblock. 

YES, you are great now. YES, people appreciate you for the impact you make daily. YES, you contribute value just by being you.

But does that mean you are being the best YOU you can be?

My youngest son is intelligent, witty, ambitious, determined, athletic, and academically gifted. When he sets his mind on achieving something, he works at it until he succeeds. His logic and talent for analysis made him a formidable opponent on a playing field and in the classroom. His charisma makes him a natural leader. His empathy, loyalty, and affection make him an excellent friend.

Two Person Walking on Unpaved Road

BUT, he doesn’t always apply his abilities in every situation. Sometimes, he’s more interested in getting laughter from his peers than in leading them. Sometimes he uses his charisma to lead them to where they should not go. He finds a person’s line in the sand and tests it, tests it, tests it. He’s been known to use his talents to achieve success in undesirable venues and pursuits. From the day he started preschool through to his high school graduation, parent-teacher conferences always began with the words, “He has so much potential, but…” His tendency to settle for good enough has made his road, and my journey with him on it, very rocky. We’re talking boulders in the path.

I love my son. I love who he is. I’m proud of him. And I would never tell him, “You just do you.”

Since he was just a tyke, my daily mantra to him has been, “Be the best Smith you can today.” I challenge him not to settle for just being himself, but to be the very best version of himself that he can be.

He’s the first to tell you that the challenge isn’t easy. And that every day he has to wake up and recommit to being the best version of himself. And that figuring that out takes effort. It takes relying on someone he can trust to help him sort out who that best version is and how he can grow into that version. He’s also the first to tell you that rising to that challenge has crushed boulders into sand.

Group of Women Sitting on Couch

What about you? How do you feel if someone says, “Just do you!”? What roadblocks is it causing in your drive to achieve goals? What would be different if you received the message, “You do the best you can today”? Do you want to settle for good enough or do you want to grow into your full potential? What’s your next step in making that happen?