The ADHD Brain and Systems – Part 2

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Part 1 of The ADHD Brain and Systems addresses how the ADHD brain reacts to the systems we implement to bring order and control to our lives. It also provides three strategies you can use to make a system more effective. If you have not read part 1 yet, pause here and read it before proceeding.

Remember Carla from part 1? She and I worked together to solve her systems problem. We explored the routine she had put in place for her day. As we probed and processed, she concluded that she expected her system to do too much. She acknowledged that she had created it based on how she believed she “should” do it. She realized that her expectation of the system to take her from zero order to strict and rigid structure in one fell swoop was unrealistic and unattainable. 

When you think about yourself and your past systems, does this sound familiar?

Do you want to create better systems for yourself?

Consider these Five Tips for Getting Started:

Reflect on your old discarded systems. Mine them for the gems that were useful and effective. Consider characteristics or patterns those gems have in common. How can you incorporate those into systems you create for yourself moving forward?

 

Keep it simple. This phrase seems so over used, yet it is so true. I have clients who spend hours, days even, creating complex systems with bells, whistles, and baubles of all sizes and colors to account for any and every possibility. Their systems are detailed, comprehensive, complex, and attractive but not practical. Their brains enjoy the creative process of putting them together but balk at actual implementation because the systems are too overwhelming and complicated to use. So, keep it simple.

 

Use a system that works with YOUR brain. This requires some self observation, analysis, and, above all, honesty. It also requires you to let go of the idea (hope) that someone other than you knows the perfect magic way of doing things that will make everything in your life fall into place.

 

Keep your expectations realistic. 100% consistency isn’t an achievable goal. How about putting into place a repeatable structure that you can implement 70% of the time on average and fall back to when life gets messy?

 

Get a thinking partner. It’s hard to ask yourself the hard questions and be objective about your responses when just doing it in your head. A coach is specially trained to collaborate with you to help you move forward. If setting up with a coach doesn’t feel like the right move for you, a trusted friend or family member may be able to fill the role. Who is a person in your life who can listen, ask good questions, and collaborate with you to process your wants, needs, patterns, skills, and so forth?

What’s your next move?

How to Make Persistence Pay Off

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My psychology students, all 21 of them, bent over the slips of paper I handed out moments before. Most had quickly worked through the first challenge on the paper. As the minutes ticked, most accomplished solving the second problem on the sheet. Within about 10 minutes ¾ of the class put their pencils down and raised their hands to indicate they had completed the task.

The five students still working were scattered amongst those who were finished. Their body language – shifting in their seats, chewing their bottom lips, gripping their fingers into fists – indicated that they were feeling pressure and frustration. Determined to not be outdone by their classmates or my little challenge, they continued to scribble out answers then scratch through those answers to scribble out new solutions that would then be scratched through. They persisted in their effort far longer than even I had anticipated they would.

President Calvin Coolidge is credited with saying, “Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence.” I beg to differ. Persistence alone will not solve the problem, move the dial, or save the day.

Just ask the five students who struggled to solve the puzzle on their paper. It wasn’t their fault, of course, and their inability to solve it didn’t reflect poorly on them. I had intentionally given five students an unsolvable anagram. All 21 students received a paper with three anagrams to solve. The anagrams in the sequence became progressively more challenging. Nonetheless, 16 students received a list of anagrams that were solvable. Five randomly selected students received tow solvable anagrams and a third unsolvable one. 

No amount of persistence would have ever rewarded them w
ith the outcome they sought.

Persistence, also known as grit, can lead to astounding success. It allows the underdog to rise up and overcome obstacles to achieve what no one thought he could. Don’t misunderstand me. I believe in the power of persistence.

 

I believe in the power of persistence when there is a plan. Without a thoughtful plan, a person is engaging in blind persistence, which can result in sticking with a faulty strategy
, working at accomplishing something that cannot be accomplished, or attempting to solve something that isn’t the true problem.

Blind persistence leads to

  1. The creation of false obstacles.
  2. Feelings of frustration and defeat.
  3. Self-comparison to others.
  4. Negative self-talk.
  5. Feeling helpless.
  6. Physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion.
  7. Impaired decision making skills.
  8. Impaired communication skills.

To make persistence work for you

  1. Identify the real problem that needs to be solved 
  2. Determine if that “problem” is something that needs a solution or simply needs you to make a choice. 
  3. Identify what you know from prior experience with this or similar problems.
  4. Identify what you already know about the current situation. 
  5. Clarify for yourself if this is a problem or goal that is important to you or if it is something you are trying to accomplish because you think you should, you think others want you to, or you fear you’ll be judged negatively if you don’t.
  6. Create a plan for persistence that specifically states the end goal, the actions you will take, when you will take each action, how much time you will commit to each action, the resources (including people) you will use to help you complete each action, what success will look like at each step along the way, and the timeline (including end date) for achieving your stated goal.
  7. Stick with (persist with) the plan.

Turn Ideas into Action

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To Be Liked or To Be Likable, That Is the Question

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The 9th-grade English teacher, after receiving the call over the intercom to come to the office, gave the class a writing assignment

and excused himself from the classroom. He trusted his students to diligently pursue excellence in his absence.

Silence encapsulated the room as students put pen to paper. Then the door clicked closed. Relief washed over the students, anxious to release their pent up need for socializing. Friendly chatter erupted. Laughter followed. Students ventured out of their desks across the room to visit their friends.

For one young man, this brief reprieve from the constraints of classroom decorum was not enough. Not only did he engage in chatter, and laughter, and wandering around the room, but he climbed atop a desk and began traversing from one side of the room to the other by athletically leaping from obstacle to obstacle and loudly calling attention to his feat. 

All eyes turned to him. Loud cheers urged him on in his quest for the spotlight. The young man goaded students, who had managed to keep working despite the chaos he created, to join him in his fun. He felt energized and unstoppable. He was receiving exactly what he wanted: to be perceived as the cool kid that everyone yearned to be friends with.

The other students, more self-aware and less willing to be caught in non-compliance, kept a watch on the closed door. They saw the form of the teacher in the rectangular sliver of a window and heard the knob turn and felt the breeze from the hallway as the door opened. Immediately, they postured as if they had been writing the entire time. 

This left the blond, blue-eyed desk-leaper looking conspicuous in his mid-air lunge toward the teacher’s table. He landed in a stack of papers, sending them wafting upward and outward. The teacher’s eyes locked on the boy’s through the papers drifting to the floor.

The young man was awarded a trip to the office, detention, 25 bear crawls at baseball practice, and one phone call home to me, his mother, to explain the situation. In his misguided effort to be liked by his classmates, my son failed to forecast the potential  consequences.

By adulthood, most of us do not act out in quite so obvious ways. Nonetheless, we are still plagued with that age-old dilemma: to be liked or to be likeable? Have you considered the difference? What does it mean to be liked? What does it mean to be likeable? Which goal motivates you more, and how does motivation toward that end influence your behavior, your happiness, and your success?

My son’s sole purpose was to be liked by his peers. He confused being liked with being likeable. He quickly discovered, however, that although his classmates really, really liked him in the moment, they distanced themselves from him afterward. They liked his wildness and his disregard for conforming to expectations, but they didn’t find him to be likeable.

People who desire to be liked and place a premium on it tend to do three things:

  1. Blur their personal boundaries. They are reluctant to stand strong on their personal beliefs and values. When the goal is to be liked, people tend to mold themselves to the expectations of others. They forego what they would generally claim to be important to them. There is a fear that if they clearly demarcate their boundaries, others will view them as overbearing, wrong in what they believe, narrow-minded, hard-headed, unfriendly, shallow. So they bend to the whim and will of whoever they are with in order to be liked.
  2. Fail to ask for what they want. Again, this is out of fear. No one wants to be seen as needy or demanding. People driven to be liked are especially sensitive to the impression they feel others have of them. Thus, they never make their own needs, wants, or desires known to others. They believe they are more likeable if they never come right out and ask for what they want.
  3. Act on impulse. See the above story about my son as an example. When we are motivated by the goal of being liked, we do things we ordinarily would not. We act out of character. Perhaps we tell an off-color joke to get a laugh or we do something potentially dangerous to grab admiration.

People motivated by the goal of being likeable tend to do three things:

  1. Behave consistently. We like them because we know that our perception of who they are and how they will behave is accurate. People who are likeable are predictable and dependable. They demonstrate self-awareness which translates into confidence. They like themselves, so we like them, too.
  2. Honor other people’s boundaries. They listen to others in order to learn about them. They accept others as they are for what they value and believe. Though people who operate from a stance of being likeable may challenge someone to leave her comfort zone, they won’t ask her to act against strongly held values and beliefs. There will always be respect for the other person. 
  3. Express empathy. Likeable people generally have high emotional intelligence. They’re able to recognize and identify emotions in themselves and others and to respond appropriately. They don’t discount the feelings of another person, nor do they try to tell others how they should feel. Because they are able to lean into us (empathize), they pull us toward them (being likeable).

Fortunately, my son, too, has come a long way from the 9th-grade version of himself. Now in his 20s, he has a deep and wide network of friends. He attracts people to him, not by impulsive antics, but by authenticity. Although he got there the hard way, he has become an incredibly likeable person.

How do you think being liked versus being likeable affects a person’s success? Where do you fall on the spectrum between the two? What can you work on to become more likeable?

 

Set Consequences Not Intentions

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A popular buzz phrase in the self-help sector is “set the intention.” The philosophy goes that before any activity, pursuit, or interpersonal engagement, we should take a moment to set our intention so that we might achieve our best results and our best selves. For example, a person might set the intention of maintaining eye contact in order to connect with someone he or she is meeting for the first time. This intention might be especially important to a person who has difficulty with first impressions and one-on-one conversation.

On the surface, “setting the intention” is akin to setting a goal. Unfortunately, when things don’t turn out as we wanted them, we tend to fall back on our “intention.” When the person who set the intention to maintain eye contact is alerted that the intensity of the eye contact came across as disconcerting and intimidating, the person will say, “I didn’t mean for that to happen.” This statement doesn’t correct or minimize the consequence, and it sounds like an un-empathic excuse lacking acknowledgement of accountability.

Consequences trump intent every time. Let me repeat: Consequences trump intent.

The consequences of our actions, whether intended or not, impact relationships, both personal and professional. Nonetheless, many relationship coaches and marriage counselors will ask a partner in a conflict, “Do you think it was his (or her) intent to make you feel that way?” or “Do you think it was her (or his) intent to cause that outcome?” as if the lack of intent or the intent for a different outcome excuses the offending partner of culpability.

This line of questioning creates a situation in which one partner does not have to take responsibility for the hurt caused to the other partner. In fact, it places blame on the hurt partner. The hurt partner must now either accept the offense as okay or defend him or herself. Neither event will turn out well for the hurt partner or for the relationship.

Consider this scenario: I’m at a backyard party enjoying a can of soda. I finish the drink and crush the can, while surveying the landscape for a recycling bin. I see it about 10 feet away, and I toss the can toward it, hitting a fellow party-goer in the head. A gash opens on her head, and I rush over to tell her, and everyone else aghast at the can that came of nowhere, that I meant to throw the can in the recycling bin.

To the bleeding woman:
– Does it sound like I’m concerned for her wellbeing?
– Does it sound like an apology?
– Does it sound like I am accepting responsibility for my action?
– Does it matter what my intention was?

If someone attempts to de-escalate the situation by saying to the bleeding woman, “Do you think Lucy intended to hit you with the can?,” the bleeding woman is put in the position of either accepting the consequence of my action as okay or defending her own reaction. I, on the other hand, am excused by my intention to throw the can in the bin not at the lady.

Sometimes we are the bleeding woman, beset by another’s ill-fated intention. Sometimes we’re throwing cans without consideration of consequences and with loud shouts of, “I didn’t mean for that to happen.” No matter which role is ours in a particular situation, our relationship with the person in the alternate role will suffer.

My challenge to you is to step out of the cycle of those roles, to be the person who makes the effort to walk the can to the recycling bin.

My challenge to you is to Set the Consequence and work back from there. Like setting the intention, Setting the Consequence is about identifying a goal or desired outcome. BUT, when we Set the Consequence, we consider all of our alternative actions and intentionally choose the best action for achieving our specific goal.

Setting the Consequence is harder than setting the intention. It takes more forethought. It takes analysis of alternative action plans. It takes planfully making a choice rather than impulsively pursuing an intention no matter where that takes us.

When we set the consequence and the results go awry, we’re more likely to acknowledge the error in our selected action and accept responsibility. Acknowledging the error in our action will sound less like an excuse and more like an apology to the offended party. It eliminates interrogation of the offended party as to whether he or she believes the other person intended to do harm. This opens the door for reconciliation and a stronger bond.

When we set the consequence, choose the best possible action path, and achieve the desired outcome, others view us as trustworthy, reliable, thoughtful, and considerate. It demonstrates respect. What a great foundation upon which to build a friendship, a team, a partnership, or a romance.

It is not the intent that precedes a behavior that matters; it is the consequence that follows the behavior that makes all the difference. Set your consequences to build better relationships at work, at home, and in the world.

Problem Solving With the Three Ps

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Remember the big, gooey, green monster from childhood that lived under your bed? Remember how you learned to leap from your light switch so it couldn’t grab you by the ankles, pull you under, and gobble you up? Remember how you hid under your covers while in your imagination that ugly green monster grew and grew and grew?

For many of us, that nasty green monster has followed us into adulthood. It nips at our heels. It snatches at our ankles. Fear of it keeps us up at night. Exhaustion from fending it off drives us to hide deep under our covers.

Only now, it’s not a creature of our overactive juvenile imagination. It’s real. It’s the problem we can’t shake. It’s the career, relationship, habit, health issue, financial stumbling block, or insecurity causing us stress. And the more we try to shove it under the bed, the bigger, and Bigger, and BIGGER it grows. Believe me, if you don’t do something about it, IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.

In his book, The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier, discusses the three Ps of every problem. And every problem can be analyzed to discover its three Ps. Essentially, they stand for: Project, People, Patterns. Each one contributes to the problem and, if appropriately addressed, can contribute to the solution(s). Project is the task. People refers to relationships we have with others. Patterns expands to our patterns of behavior.

Lets consider an example. In a recent coaching session I had with a college student, he noted money management as his primary concern. He said, “When I feel like I have a lot of money, I go out and spend way more money than I should. I tell myself, ’It’s just this one time.’ But it never ends up being just one time. Then by the end of the semester, I’m barely paying for essentials. It’s not fun.” He stated that he wanted to get his wild lifestyle swings under control so that he was in a “steady” comfort zone financially.

After explaining the three Ps to him, I asked him to look at his problem in terms of Project, People, and Patterns. This is what he came up with:
*Project – “I need to set up a budget so I can be on cruise control.”
*People – “I have a lot of friends. That’s one of my drives to go out. I have FOMO.” (FOMO = Fear Of Missing Out)
*Patterns – “When I see I have a lot of money, I say, ‘Why not? I’ll do it just this one time.’ When I’m drinking, it’s easier to talk myself into spending money. Also, if someone buys me a drink, I feel the need to return the favor, even though I know he doesn’t really expect me to pay him back.”

Wow! The look on his face once he had finished his analysis. He had dragged his big green monster out into the open, was looking straight into its cesspool eyes, and staring it down! He had clarity on how to wage his attack and could focus his efforts one P at a time. His monster was shrinking SMALLER, and Smaller, and smaller.

Some people are fine to face their monsters alone. Most of us, though, feel far more confident when we have a partner in the fight. Fear of our monsters creates chatter in our heads. Guttural growls from our monsters creates distraction in our environment. It can be hard to hear our own voice over the din.

That’s where coaching to the three Ps can be most useful. A coach provides a quiet, safe space in which to calmly and collectively assess problems, break them into the three Ps, map out targeted solutions, and confidently implement change.

Can’t take on your big, fat, gooey, green monster by yourself? Let’s do it together!

Accept the Problem to Solve the Problem

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Client consultations generally begin with getting to know the potential client. Early in the consult, I ask, “What do you want to achieve through coaching?”

Potential clients often answer that question in one of two ways:

ANSWER 1: The client has a pretty good idea of particular goals, even if those goals haven’t been refined and defined in more specific terms. A client might say something like, “I have all these ideas about my _______________________, but I just don’t know what to do. I feel overwhelmed by too many choices.” This client has identified a problem and is ready to move forward, though the direction forward is yet to be determined. 

ANSWER 2: The client peels off a series of complaints about all the things that are wrong and have always been wrong and how things will never change. Statements like, “I hate my job. My boss has never liked me. My marriage is in the tank. Really, it’s been miserable since the beginning. If I’m honest, I’m doing all the right things, but nothing ever turns out for me.” This potential client feels the world is the opponent and usually wants to know what I’m going to do to make things right for him or her.

While the client in Answer 1 is decidedly ready for coaching, the client in Answer 2 is not. I venture to guess that the client in Answer 2 has already burdened friends with these complaints. I also venture to guess that any assistance and advice offered by friends has been largely ignored, much to the frustration of those friends.

The Answer 2 client isn’t looking for a coach. This client is looking for a fresh ear to complain to. This client is looking for a scapegoat for all that is wrong. This person expects the coach to make the change that will turn things around. When that doesn’t happen, and it won’t happen, this client will have something new about which to complain to weary friends.

What’s the biggest difference between the client in Answer 1 and the client in Answer 2? The client in Answer 1 has ACCEPTED the problem. Acceptance of the problem opens the door to solving it.

The potential client in Answer 2 lacks awareness of the problem, resists recognizing and accepting the problem, and, therefore, is stuck in the mire of doom and gloom waiting for a rescuer who will inevitably be turned away when she shows up.

KEY TAKEAWAY: A coach cannot make a difference for someone who isn’t ready and willing to make a difference for himself or herself. To solve the problem, we first have to accept the problem. Nothing will change for us until we do that. 

Who are you? Are you the constant complainer? Or are you the person who accepts the problem so that it can be solved?

If you’re ready to get to work, schedule a consultation with me today: Contact Form

 

“Just Do You” Is Your Biggest Roadblock

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YOU are a fabulous person with many wonderful qualities. The attributes you share with the world make it a better place. And as your coach, I would tell you that the more specific you can be when naming those attributes the more beneficial it is to fully appreciating who you are in this very moment and who you are becoming as you grow toward your goals.

Yellow and Brown Textile

But I would NEVER tell you, “Just do you.” NEVER. Saying those words to you would be like telling you that I have no confidence in your quest for self-development. It would be like telling you to surrender to your current circumstances, to be content with good enough, to quit your curiosity about what could be.

Clinging to the comfort (and cop out) of “You do you” is your biggest roadblock. 

YES, you are great now. YES, people appreciate you for the impact you make daily. YES, you contribute value just by being you.

But does that mean you are being the best YOU you can be?

My youngest son is intelligent, witty, ambitious, determined, athletic, and academically gifted. When he sets his mind on achieving something, he works at it until he succeeds. His logic and talent for analysis made him a formidable opponent on a playing field and in the classroom. His charisma makes him a natural leader. His empathy, loyalty, and affection make him an excellent friend.

Two Person Walking on Unpaved Road

BUT, he doesn’t always apply his abilities in every situation. Sometimes, he’s more interested in getting laughter from his peers than in leading them. Sometimes he uses his charisma to lead them to where they should not go. He finds a person’s line in the sand and tests it, tests it, tests it. He’s been known to use his talents to achieve success in undesirable venues and pursuits. From the day he started preschool through to his high school graduation, parent-teacher conferences always began with the words, “He has so much potential, but…” His tendency to settle for good enough has made his road, and my journey with him on it, very rocky. We’re talking boulders in the path.

I love my son. I love who he is. I’m proud of him. And I would never tell him, “You just do you.”

Since he was just a tyke, my daily mantra to him has been, “Be the best Smith you can today.” I challenge him not to settle for just being himself, but to be the very best version of himself that he can be.

He’s the first to tell you that the challenge isn’t easy. And that every day he has to wake up and recommit to being the best version of himself. And that figuring that out takes effort. It takes relying on someone he can trust to help him sort out who that best version is and how he can grow into that version. He’s also the first to tell you that rising to that challenge has crushed boulders into sand.

Group of Women Sitting on Couch

What about you? How do you feel if someone says, “Just do you!”? What roadblocks is it causing in your drive to achieve goals? What would be different if you received the message, “You do the best you can today”? Do you want to settle for good enough or do you want to grow into your full potential? What’s your next step in making that happen?