Accept the Problem to Solve the Problem
Client consultations generally begin with getting to know the potential client. Early in the consult, I ask, “What do you want to achieve through coaching?”
Potential clients often answer that question in one of two ways:
ANSWER 1: The client has a pretty good idea of particular goals, even if those goals haven’t been refined and defined in more specific terms. A client might say something like, “I have all these ideas about my _______________________, but I just don’t know what to do. I feel overwhelmed by too many choices.” This client has identified a problem and is ready to move forward, though the direction forward is yet to be determined.
ANSWER 2: The client peels off a series of complaints about all the things that are wrong and have always been wrong and how things will never change. Statements like, “I hate my job. My boss has never liked me. My marriage is in the tank. Really, it’s been miserable since the beginning. If I’m honest, I’m doing all the right things, but nothing ever turns out for me.” This potential client feels the world is the opponent and usually wants to know what I’m going to do to make things right for him or her.
While the client in Answer 1 is decidedly ready for coaching, the client in Answer 2 is not. I venture to guess that the client in Answer 2 has already burdened friends with these complaints. I also venture to guess that any assistance and advice offered by friends has been largely ignored, much to the frustration of those friends.
The Answer 2 client isn’t looking for a coach. This client is looking for a fresh ear to complain to. This client is looking for a scapegoat for all that is wrong. This person expects the coach to make the change that will turn things around. When that doesn’t happen, and it won’t happen, this client will have something new about which to complain to weary friends.
What’s the biggest difference between the client in Answer 1 and the client in Answer 2? The client in Answer 1 has ACCEPTED the problem. Acceptance of the problem opens the door to solving it.
The potential client in Answer 2 lacks awareness of the problem, resists recognizing and accepting the problem, and, therefore, is stuck in the mire of doom and gloom waiting for a rescuer who will inevitably be turned away when she shows up.
KEY TAKEAWAY: A coach cannot make a difference for someone who isn’t ready and willing to make a difference for himself or herself. To solve the problem, we first have to accept the problem. Nothing will change for us until we do that.
Who are you? Are you the constant complainer? Or are you the person who accepts the problem so that it can be solved?
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Social Anxiety and the Drive to Be Liked
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 12% of Americans experience Social Anxiety Disorder at some point over the course of their life. “Disorder” is the key word. Twelve-percent of people experience social anxiety to such a degree that it disrupts their daily activities and obligations and is outside the range of normal worry and fear.
Let’s assume that another 10%-12% of people are at the other extreme of the anxiety continuum: they never experience social anxiety. This segment of the population may suffer from other mental health issues, but they are not going home after a party wondering if they made a good impression.
That leaves 76%, or, if you prefer fractions, ¾ of Americans who feel some level of social anxiety at various times over the course of their days, weeks, months, and years. And it’s NORMAL! And the anxiety is even USEFUL if we leverage it well.
During a recent session, a client identified social anxiety as a topic to explore. This client more often than not automatically says “Yes” to requests/opportunities/invitations before gathering all the information needed to make an informed decision. The results aren’t always great. When I asked the client to list contributors to his tendency to rush in, the desire to be liked made the top five.
We all want to be liked, right? We exert efforts to be liked in our workplaces, in our homes, in our social organizations, at parties, at informal gatherings, and even with strangers we may never see again.
Think about it. When was the last time you agreed to something, said something, did something because you wanted the other person to like you? Did you feel remorse about it later? Did you wonder why you did or said something so out of character for yourself? More than that, did you achieve your goal? Did you get people to like YOU? The real YOU? Or did you just end up feeling used, taken advantage of, or inauthentic? Are these grounds for building lasting, strong relationships with others? Did your social anxiety decrease with your increased effort?
I’m going to pose to you the same question that I posed to my client: What is the difference between “wanting to be liked” and “being liked”?
On the surface, this appears to be a somewhat existential examination of the human condition in which we conclude “I am liked, therefore I am.” I encourage you, as I encouraged my client, to delve deeper, to truly think it through in terms of thoughts, emotions, behaviors, motivations, outcomes, and so forth.
To do your own examination, make three columns on a piece of paper. Use the header “Questions” in the first column, the header “Wanting to be Liked” in the second column, and the header “Being Liked” in the third column.
In the first column, under the “Questions” header, list the following questions, providing enough space between them to create room to answer each question in columns two and three:
1) What is the source? From where does it derive?
2) How does it make me feel? What emotions do I experience?
3) What behaviors do I typically do in response?
4) What are my typical thoughts when this is happening?
5) How would I create more of it?
6) How would I create less of it?
7) What is the typical outcome?
After listing the questions, move to the “Wanting to be Liked” column and begin answering the questions. What is the source of “wanting to be liked”? How does “wanting to be liked” make you feel? And so forth. Then do the same for the “Being Liked” column. Take your time. Think deeply. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Write down your truths even if they’re uncomfortable.
Read through your finished product and again consider the question: What is the difference between “wanting to be liked” and “being liked”? What evidence do you have that “wanting to be liked” actually leads to “being liked”? Which one contributes more to achieving goals? How do your old way of thinking and your new understanding relate to your general experience of social anxiety? What would you do differently going forward?
While your answers and your conclusions are your own with revelations and epiphanies individual to you, I do have some thoughts to share: Social anxiety is a normal part of human existence. The more time we spend in the state of wanting people to like us, the more social anxiety we are likely to feel. And finally, the opposite of wanting people to like us IS NOT not caring what people think of us (popular but heavily flawed advice). The opposite of wanting people to like us is being liked.
“Just Do You” Is Your Biggest Roadblock
YOU are a fabulous person with many wonderful qualities. The attributes you share with the world make it a better place. And as your coach, I would tell you that the more specific you can be when naming those attributes the more beneficial it is to fully appreciating who you are in this very moment and who you are becoming as you grow toward your goals.
But I would NEVER tell you, “Just do you.” NEVER. Saying those words to you would be like telling you that I have no confidence in your quest for self-development. It would be like telling you to surrender to your current circumstances, to be content with good enough, to quit your curiosity about what could be.
Clinging to the comfort (and cop out) of “You do you” is your biggest roadblock.
YES, you are great now. YES, people appreciate you for the impact you make daily. YES, you contribute value just by being you.
But does that mean you are being the best YOU you can be?
My youngest son is intelligent, witty, ambitious, determined, athletic, and academically gifted. When he sets his mind on achieving something, he works at it until he succeeds. His logic and talent for analysis made him a formidable opponent on a playing field and in the classroom. His charisma makes him a natural leader. His empathy, loyalty, and affection make him an excellent friend.
BUT, he doesn’t always apply his abilities in every situation. Sometimes, he’s more interested in getting laughter from his peers than in leading them. Sometimes he uses his charisma to lead them to where they should not go. He finds a person’s line in the sand and tests it, tests it, tests it. He’s been known to use his talents to achieve success in undesirable venues and pursuits. From the day he started preschool through to his high school graduation, parent-teacher conferences always began with the words, “He has so much potential, but…” His tendency to settle for good enough has made his road, and my journey with him on it, very rocky. We’re talking boulders in the path.
I love my son. I love who he is. I’m proud of him. And I would never tell him, “You just do you.”
Since he was just a tyke, my daily mantra to him has been, “Be the best Smith you can today.” I challenge him not to settle for just being himself, but to be the very best version of himself that he can be.
He’s the first to tell you that the challenge isn’t easy. And that every day he has to wake up and recommit to being the best version of himself. And that figuring that out takes effort. It takes relying on someone he can trust to help him sort out who that best version is and how he can grow into that version. He’s also the first to tell you that rising to that challenge has crushed boulders into sand.
What about you? How do you feel if someone says, “Just do you!”? What roadblocks is it causing in your drive to achieve goals? What would be different if you received the message, “You do the best you can today”? Do you want to settle for good enough or do you want to grow into your full potential? What’s your next step in making that happen?
Coping with Anxiety During a Crisis: An Easy 3-Step Exercise
Anxiety can creep up on us, especially in ongoing crisis situations.
We believe we have everything under control. We believe we’re holding our emotions in check and “getting on with it,” as the Queen would say. We believe we’ve quashed worrisome thoughts. We’ve quit looking at the news and regained focus on our tasks and goals.
Then, BOOM! Our heart is pounding. Our palms are sweating. Our thoughts are racing. Angst strikes out of nowhere to deliver a crippling blow just when we got ourselves pulled together, rid ourselves of the tightness in our chest, and let down our guard.
A coaching colleague of mine recommends an exercise she calls “settling the mud” just for moments as this. It’s an easy exercise that takes only a minute, but it brings us out of the mire back into the bright light of optimism and productivity.
Step 1: Place your hand on your chest while closing your eyes.
Step 2: Feel yourself take three deep breaths. Each breath should be fully inhaled and completely, but slowly, exhaled before taking the next breath. Pay attention to the sensation of the rise and fall of your chest..
Step 3: Open your eyes and be like the Queen with a “get on with it” attitude and a fresh outlook.
This exercise will not make the crisis go away, but it oxygenates the brain, calms the body and mind, and provides a time out to regain perspective. It settles the mud that clouds our thinking and causes distress.
And here’s the beautiful thing: Because we are working remotely due to COVID-19, or at the very least working under conditions of social distancing, we don’t even have to feel conspicuous when we pause our day to repeat this exercise. So repeat when necessary. It’s quick. It’s easy. And it’s highly effective at settling the mud.