Set Consequences Not Intentions
A popular buzz phrase in the self-help sector is “set the intention.” The philosophy goes that before any activity, pursuit, or interpersonal engagement, we should take a moment to set our intention so that we might achieve our best results and our best selves. For example, a person might set the intention of maintaining eye contact in order to connect with someone he or she is meeting for the first time. This intention might be especially important to a person who has difficulty with first impressions and one-on-one conversation.
On the surface, “setting the intention” is akin to setting a goal. Unfortunately, when things don’t turn out as we wanted them, we tend to fall back on our “intention.” When the person who set the intention to maintain eye contact is alerted that the intensity of the eye contact came across as disconcerting and intimidating, the person will say, “I didn’t mean for that to happen.” This statement doesn’t correct or minimize the consequence, and it sounds like an un-empathic excuse lacking acknowledgement of accountability.
Consequences trump intent every time. Let me repeat: Consequences trump intent.
The consequences of our actions, whether intended or not, impact relationships, both personal and professional. Nonetheless, many relationship coaches and marriage counselors will ask a partner in a conflict, “Do you think it was his (or her) intent to make you feel that way?” or “Do you think it was her (or his) intent to cause that outcome?” as if the lack of intent or the intent for a different outcome excuses the offending partner of culpability.
This line of questioning creates a situation in which one partner does not have to take responsibility for the hurt caused to the other partner. In fact, it places blame on the hurt partner. The hurt partner must now either accept the offense as okay or defend him or herself. Neither event will turn out well for the hurt partner or for the relationship.
Consider this scenario: I’m at a backyard party enjoying a can of soda. I finish the drink and crush the can, while surveying the landscape for a recycling bin. I see it about 10 feet away, and I toss the can toward it, hitting a fellow party-goer in the head. A gash opens on her head, and I rush over to tell her, and everyone else aghast at the can that came of nowhere, that I meant to throw the can in the recycling bin.
To the bleeding woman:
– Does it sound like I’m concerned for her wellbeing?
– Does it sound like an apology?
– Does it sound like I am accepting responsibility for my action?
– Does it matter what my intention was?
If someone attempts to de-escalate the situation by saying to the bleeding woman, “Do you think Lucy intended to hit you with the can?,” the bleeding woman is put in the position of either accepting the consequence of my action as okay or defending her own reaction. I, on the other hand, am excused by my intention to throw the can in the bin not at the lady.
Sometimes we are the bleeding woman, beset by another’s ill-fated intention. Sometimes we’re throwing cans without consideration of consequences and with loud shouts of, “I didn’t mean for that to happen.” No matter which role is ours in a particular situation, our relationship with the person in the alternate role will suffer.
My challenge to you is to step out of the cycle of those roles, to be the person who makes the effort to walk the can to the recycling bin.
My challenge to you is to Set the Consequence and work back from there. Like setting the intention, Setting the Consequence is about identifying a goal or desired outcome. BUT, when we Set the Consequence, we consider all of our alternative actions and intentionally choose the best action for achieving our specific goal.
Setting the Consequence is harder than setting the intention. It takes more forethought. It takes analysis of alternative action plans. It takes planfully making a choice rather than impulsively pursuing an intention no matter where that takes us.
When we set the consequence and the results go awry, we’re more likely to acknowledge the error in our selected action and accept responsibility. Acknowledging the error in our action will sound less like an excuse and more like an apology to the offended party. It eliminates interrogation of the offended party as to whether he or she believes the other person intended to do harm. This opens the door for reconciliation and a stronger bond.
When we set the consequence, choose the best possible action path, and achieve the desired outcome, others view us as trustworthy, reliable, thoughtful, and considerate. It demonstrates respect. What a great foundation upon which to build a friendship, a team, a partnership, or a romance.
It is not the intent that precedes a behavior that matters; it is the consequence that follows the behavior that makes all the difference. Set your consequences to build better relationships at work, at home, and in the world.
Problem Solving With the Three Ps
Remember the big, gooey, green monster from childhood that lived under your bed? Remember how you learned to leap from your light switch so it couldn’t grab you by the ankles, pull you under, and gobble you up? Remember how you hid under your covers while in your imagination that ugly green monster grew and grew and grew?
For many of us, that nasty green monster has followed us into adulthood. It nips at our heels. It snatches at our ankles. Fear of it keeps us up at night. Exhaustion from fending it off drives us to hide deep under our covers.
Only now, it’s not a creature of our overactive juvenile imagination. It’s real. It’s the problem we can’t shake. It’s the career, relationship, habit, health issue, financial stumbling block, or insecurity causing us stress. And the more we try to shove it under the bed, the bigger, and Bigger, and BIGGER it grows. Believe me, if you don’t do something about it, IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.
In his book, The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier, discusses the three Ps of every problem. And every problem can be analyzed to discover its three Ps. Essentially, they stand for: Project, People, Patterns. Each one contributes to the problem and, if appropriately addressed, can contribute to the solution(s). Project is the task. People refers to relationships we have with others. Patterns expands to our patterns of behavior.
Lets consider an example. In a recent coaching session I had with a college student, he noted money management as his primary concern. He said, “When I feel like I have a lot of money, I go out and spend way more money than I should. I tell myself, ’It’s just this one time.’ But it never ends up being just one time. Then by the end of the semester, I’m barely paying for essentials. It’s not fun.” He stated that he wanted to get his wild lifestyle swings under control so that he was in a “steady” comfort zone financially.
After explaining the three Ps to him, I asked him to look at his problem in terms of Project, People, and Patterns. This is what he came up with:
*Project – “I need to set up a budget so I can be on cruise control.”
*People – “I have a lot of friends. That’s one of my drives to go out. I have FOMO.” (FOMO = Fear Of Missing Out)
*Patterns – “When I see I have a lot of money, I say, ‘Why not? I’ll do it just this one time.’ When I’m drinking, it’s easier to talk myself into spending money. Also, if someone buys me a drink, I feel the need to return the favor, even though I know he doesn’t really expect me to pay him back.”
Wow! The look on his face once he had finished his analysis. He had dragged his big green monster out into the open, was looking straight into its cesspool eyes, and staring it down! He had clarity on how to wage his attack and could focus his efforts one P at a time. His monster was shrinking SMALLER, and Smaller, and smaller.
Some people are fine to face their monsters alone. Most of us, though, feel far more confident when we have a partner in the fight. Fear of our monsters creates chatter in our heads. Guttural growls from our monsters creates distraction in our environment. It can be hard to hear our own voice over the din.
That’s where coaching to the three Ps can be most useful. A coach provides a quiet, safe space in which to calmly and collectively assess problems, break them into the three Ps, map out targeted solutions, and confidently implement change.
Can’t take on your big, fat, gooey, green monster by yourself? Let’s do it together!
Four Steps to Maintaining Your Boundaries: The Man in Plaid Pants
A summer week in Savannah with my grandparents came with the heady juxtaposition of townhouse living with a parking lot to play in against farm living and running fields in rural georgia.
Staying with my grandparents also came with challenges. There was the series of clown portraits that lined the wall of the staircase leading to the room I slept in. There was the sweet odor of overripe melon that hung thick in their kitchen. And there was the man in plaid pants.
The summer I was four, during my week-long stay, my grandparents decided to take me to lunch and show me off to friends. This is where I met the man in plaid pants. My grandparents introduced me to him, and what happened next has been repeated in my family a thousand times in the years since.
I refused to speak to the man in plaid pants. I refused to look at the man in plaid pants. I refused to sit next to the man in plaid pants. I refused to give in to my grandparents’ acrobatics to get me to quit being rude and acknowledge the man in plaid pants. When sternly interrogated about my motivations, I defended my actions with the simple statement, “I don’t like his pants.” The adults laughed, covering my grandparents’ embarrassment and confusion.
I relate this brief memoir to illustrate that it is never enough to follow the oft offered advice, “Know your boundaries.” Evaluating your values and naming your boundaries is important and necessary work. Yet, what good is knowing your boundaries if you don’t maintain them in the face of challenge?
A note on vocabulary: I use the word “maintain” boundaries not “defend” boundaries. “Defend” implies aggression, battle, and potential weakness and defeat. Approaching the topic from that mindset indicates that we see the world as threatening and see our boundaries as permeable. When we “maintain” boundaries, we do it from a place of strength and self-confidence. We view the world as engaging in collaborative union with us to achieve our best outcomes and view our boundaries as those solid structures that bind us in that union.
Four Steps to Maintaining Your Boundaries
1. Articulate your boundaries clearly.
Knowing your boundaries and articulating your boundaries are two different actions. Knowing happens in our heads and is an intangible intermingling of thoughts, images, facts, and emotions. Articulating involves a clear, verbal explanation of what we will not tolerate or allow from another person. Being open and specific about parameters and defining our expectations honors the other person and what/he she needs to know to engage with us successfully.
2. Understand that power disparities do not negate your boundaries.
Your boundary is your boundary is your boundary. It exists in alignment with your values. Your core values do not change to fit a relationship or a situation; therefore, your boundaries do not change to fit a relationship or a situation.
3. Demonstrate compassion.
We are designed to be in relationship with other humans, yes. Paradoxically, we are also designed to serve our own self-interests. This can cause communication breakdown. Thus, not everyone we are in relationship with will understand our words or trust our motives. Acknowledge other people’s points of view while standing strong on your own.
4. Respond to “Why?” with “What?”
Frequently, when people take issue with a boundary we’ve set, they demand to know the “why” behind the boundary. When we respond to “why” questions, we come from a place of defensiveness, which opens the door for the other person to debate us on our particular decision. The best way to respond to a “why” question is to ask something like, “What are your concerns?” or “What information can I give you?” The other person feels heard, the challenge is diffused, and you receive valuable feedback about his/her perspective.
