Problem Solving With the Three Ps
Remember the big, gooey, green monster from childhood that lived under your bed? Remember how you learned to leap from your light switch so it couldn’t grab you by the ankles, pull you under, and gobble you up? Remember how you hid under your covers while in your imagination that ugly green monster grew and grew and grew?
For many of us, that nasty green monster has followed us into adulthood. It nips at our heels. It snatches at our ankles. Fear of it keeps us up at night. Exhaustion from fending it off drives us to hide deep under our covers.
Only now, it’s not a creature of our overactive juvenile imagination. It’s real. It’s the problem we can’t shake. It’s the career, relationship, habit, health issue, financial stumbling block, or insecurity causing us stress. And the more we try to shove it under the bed, the bigger, and Bigger, and BIGGER it grows. Believe me, if you don’t do something about it, IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.
In his book, The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier, discusses the three Ps of every problem. And every problem can be analyzed to discover its three Ps. Essentially, they stand for: Project, People, Patterns. Each one contributes to the problem and, if appropriately addressed, can contribute to the solution(s). Project is the task. People refers to relationships we have with others. Patterns expands to our patterns of behavior.
Lets consider an example. In a recent coaching session I had with a college student, he noted money management as his primary concern. He said, “When I feel like I have a lot of money, I go out and spend way more money than I should. I tell myself, ’It’s just this one time.’ But it never ends up being just one time. Then by the end of the semester, I’m barely paying for essentials. It’s not fun.” He stated that he wanted to get his wild lifestyle swings under control so that he was in a “steady” comfort zone financially.
After explaining the three Ps to him, I asked him to look at his problem in terms of Project, People, and Patterns. This is what he came up with:
*Project – “I need to set up a budget so I can be on cruise control.”
*People – “I have a lot of friends. That’s one of my drives to go out. I have FOMO.” (FOMO = Fear Of Missing Out)
*Patterns – “When I see I have a lot of money, I say, ‘Why not? I’ll do it just this one time.’ When I’m drinking, it’s easier to talk myself into spending money. Also, if someone buys me a drink, I feel the need to return the favor, even though I know he doesn’t really expect me to pay him back.”
Wow! The look on his face once he had finished his analysis. He had dragged his big green monster out into the open, was looking straight into its cesspool eyes, and staring it down! He had clarity on how to wage his attack and could focus his efforts one P at a time. His monster was shrinking SMALLER, and Smaller, and smaller.
Some people are fine to face their monsters alone. Most of us, though, feel far more confident when we have a partner in the fight. Fear of our monsters creates chatter in our heads. Guttural growls from our monsters creates distraction in our environment. It can be hard to hear our own voice over the din.
That’s where coaching to the three Ps can be most useful. A coach provides a quiet, safe space in which to calmly and collectively assess problems, break them into the three Ps, map out targeted solutions, and confidently implement change.
Can’t take on your big, fat, gooey, green monster by yourself? Let’s do it together!
Social Anxiety and the Drive to Be Liked
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 12% of Americans experience Social Anxiety Disorder at some point over the course of their life. “Disorder” is the key word. Twelve-percent of people experience social anxiety to such a degree that it disrupts their daily activities and obligations and is outside the range of normal worry and fear.
Let’s assume that another 10%-12% of people are at the other extreme of the anxiety continuum: they never experience social anxiety. This segment of the population may suffer from other mental health issues, but they are not going home after a party wondering if they made a good impression.
That leaves 76%, or, if you prefer fractions, ¾ of Americans who feel some level of social anxiety at various times over the course of their days, weeks, months, and years. And it’s NORMAL! And the anxiety is even USEFUL if we leverage it well.
During a recent session, a client identified social anxiety as a topic to explore. This client more often than not automatically says “Yes” to requests/opportunities/invitations before gathering all the information needed to make an informed decision. The results aren’t always great. When I asked the client to list contributors to his tendency to rush in, the desire to be liked made the top five.
We all want to be liked, right? We exert efforts to be liked in our workplaces, in our homes, in our social organizations, at parties, at informal gatherings, and even with strangers we may never see again.
Think about it. When was the last time you agreed to something, said something, did something because you wanted the other person to like you? Did you feel remorse about it later? Did you wonder why you did or said something so out of character for yourself? More than that, did you achieve your goal? Did you get people to like YOU? The real YOU? Or did you just end up feeling used, taken advantage of, or inauthentic? Are these grounds for building lasting, strong relationships with others? Did your social anxiety decrease with your increased effort?
I’m going to pose to you the same question that I posed to my client: What is the difference between “wanting to be liked” and “being liked”?
On the surface, this appears to be a somewhat existential examination of the human condition in which we conclude “I am liked, therefore I am.” I encourage you, as I encouraged my client, to delve deeper, to truly think it through in terms of thoughts, emotions, behaviors, motivations, outcomes, and so forth.
To do your own examination, make three columns on a piece of paper. Use the header “Questions” in the first column, the header “Wanting to be Liked” in the second column, and the header “Being Liked” in the third column.
In the first column, under the “Questions” header, list the following questions, providing enough space between them to create room to answer each question in columns two and three:
1) What is the source? From where does it derive?
2) How does it make me feel? What emotions do I experience?
3) What behaviors do I typically do in response?
4) What are my typical thoughts when this is happening?
5) How would I create more of it?
6) How would I create less of it?
7) What is the typical outcome?
After listing the questions, move to the “Wanting to be Liked” column and begin answering the questions. What is the source of “wanting to be liked”? How does “wanting to be liked” make you feel? And so forth. Then do the same for the “Being Liked” column. Take your time. Think deeply. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Write down your truths even if they’re uncomfortable.
Read through your finished product and again consider the question: What is the difference between “wanting to be liked” and “being liked”? What evidence do you have that “wanting to be liked” actually leads to “being liked”? Which one contributes more to achieving goals? How do your old way of thinking and your new understanding relate to your general experience of social anxiety? What would you do differently going forward?
While your answers and your conclusions are your own with revelations and epiphanies individual to you, I do have some thoughts to share: Social anxiety is a normal part of human existence. The more time we spend in the state of wanting people to like us, the more social anxiety we are likely to feel. And finally, the opposite of wanting people to like us IS NOT not caring what people think of us (popular but heavily flawed advice). The opposite of wanting people to like us is being liked.
Coping with Anxiety During a Crisis: An Easy 3-Step Exercise
Anxiety can creep up on us, especially in ongoing crisis situations.
We believe we have everything under control. We believe we’re holding our emotions in check and “getting on with it,” as the Queen would say. We believe we’ve quashed worrisome thoughts. We’ve quit looking at the news and regained focus on our tasks and goals.
Then, BOOM! Our heart is pounding. Our palms are sweating. Our thoughts are racing. Angst strikes out of nowhere to deliver a crippling blow just when we got ourselves pulled together, rid ourselves of the tightness in our chest, and let down our guard.
A coaching colleague of mine recommends an exercise she calls “settling the mud” just for moments as this. It’s an easy exercise that takes only a minute, but it brings us out of the mire back into the bright light of optimism and productivity.
Step 1: Place your hand on your chest while closing your eyes.
Step 2: Feel yourself take three deep breaths. Each breath should be fully inhaled and completely, but slowly, exhaled before taking the next breath. Pay attention to the sensation of the rise and fall of your chest..
Step 3: Open your eyes and be like the Queen with a “get on with it” attitude and a fresh outlook.
This exercise will not make the crisis go away, but it oxygenates the brain, calms the body and mind, and provides a time out to regain perspective. It settles the mud that clouds our thinking and causes distress.
And here’s the beautiful thing: Because we are working remotely due to COVID-19, or at the very least working under conditions of social distancing, we don’t even have to feel conspicuous when we pause our day to repeat this exercise. So repeat when necessary. It’s quick. It’s easy. And it’s highly effective at settling the mud.