The ADHD Brain and Systems – Part 2

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Part 1 of The ADHD Brain and Systems addresses how the ADHD brain reacts to the systems we implement to bring order and control to our lives. It also provides three strategies you can use to make a system more effective. If you have not read part 1 yet, pause here and read it before proceeding.

Remember Carla from part 1? She and I worked together to solve her systems problem. We explored the routine she had put in place for her day. As we probed and processed, she concluded that she expected her system to do too much. She acknowledged that she had created it based on how she believed she “should” do it. She realized that her expectation of the system to take her from zero order to strict and rigid structure in one fell swoop was unrealistic and unattainable. 

When you think about yourself and your past systems, does this sound familiar?

Do you want to create better systems for yourself?

Consider these Five Tips for Getting Started:

Reflect on your old discarded systems. Mine them for the gems that were useful and effective. Consider characteristics or patterns those gems have in common. How can you incorporate those into systems you create for yourself moving forward?

 

Keep it simple. This phrase seems so over used, yet it is so true. I have clients who spend hours, days even, creating complex systems with bells, whistles, and baubles of all sizes and colors to account for any and every possibility. Their systems are detailed, comprehensive, complex, and attractive but not practical. Their brains enjoy the creative process of putting them together but balk at actual implementation because the systems are too overwhelming and complicated to use. So, keep it simple.

 

Use a system that works with YOUR brain. This requires some self observation, analysis, and, above all, honesty. It also requires you to let go of the idea (hope) that someone other than you knows the perfect magic way of doing things that will make everything in your life fall into place.

 

Keep your expectations realistic. 100% consistency isn’t an achievable goal. How about putting into place a repeatable structure that you can implement 70% of the time on average and fall back to when life gets messy?

 

Get a thinking partner. It’s hard to ask yourself the hard questions and be objective about your responses when just doing it in your head. A coach is specially trained to collaborate with you to help you move forward. If setting up with a coach doesn’t feel like the right move for you, a trusted friend or family member may be able to fill the role. Who is a person in your life who can listen, ask good questions, and collaborate with you to process your wants, needs, patterns, skills, and so forth?

What’s your next move?

The ADHD Brain and Systems – Part 1

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Carla arrived at coaching so frustrated with herself. She had determined a routine for her day in the previous session, but reported that she had “failed” at sticking with it. When I asked what she thought was getting in her way, she said, “It wasn’t a good plan. It doesn’t work. I just want a system that works.”

Carla, like so many of my high-achieving clients, desires a “system,” or a “recipe,” or a “routine,” that will get her through each day and through each task. She wants a system that will automate her efforts and optimize her time and productivity. She believes that “the right system” will change EVERYTHING. 

Can you relate?

Carla has created numerous systems for herself in the past, and she has long since abandoned them all. When a system no longer seems to work, she goes in search of the next “perfect system.” Carla, when she isn’t successful 100% of the time, decides the system is totally flawed in every aspect, throws the whole design out, and begins again from scratch.

Does this sound like you?

There are so many things I can say about systems at this juncture, but I’m going to narrow our focus in this discussion. What I hear in Carla’s story is that she takes an all-or-nothing approach to her systems and she focuses on failure to implement rather than successes of the system. These are both barriers to moving forward. 

The ADHD brain both craves and resists systems. It wants to make life easier and automated, but when it succeeds, it gets bored and demands a different solution. 

How often has this happened to you?

Three Important things to remember about systems:

  1. There are NO PERFECT SYSTEMS. No one out there on the internet has created a  fail-proof system that works for YOU and everyone, every time, in all contexts. Nothing works 100% of the time for 100% of people. There are good systems, not perfect ones. Good systems are ones that fit you and how your brain works. Good systems are individualized.

 

  1. Before ditching a system you’re using, try shifting your focus from the flaws to the elements that are effective. There are always parts of a system that are serving you well. Identify those system strengths and pour gas on them.

 

  1. EVERY system, including the ones that work, get boring to the ADHD brain. It can only do the same thing in the sameway for so many times until it rebels and tells you “This just isn’t working anymore.” The ADHD brain wants its dopamine hit. It begins looking elsewhere for stimulation and comfort. This doesn’t mean the system has failed, was no good in the first place, or needs to be thrown out. IT ALSO DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE FAILED. Before scrapping your system, pause and take the opportunity to get creative and re-sparkle-ize your system. Make it flashy again to get your brain back on board.

Are you feeling like you need more? 

Stay tuned. Part 2 of The ADHD Brain and Systems will provide action steps you can take to design a system that works for you.

Who Is Stopping You?

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Stella, a high-achieving entrepreneur in the event planning sector, came to her recent coaching session wanting to figure out how to create “breathing room” between the completion of one major project and the launch of another so that she doesn’t repeat the pattern of cascading from one chaotic situation to the next. Her past pattern of remaining in a constant state of overwhelm leaves her feeling exhausted and drained and puts a strain on her important relationships. She recognizes that she is the source of the barriers to peace and, therefore, she has the power to remove them to make space for a different reality.

Together, we explored what breathing room would look like for her and how much time she would need to devote to it for it to be effective. She discovered that recovery and reset for her involves three phases: physical exertion on a mindless task followed by opportunity for reflection on the completed work project followed by reconnecting with her husband and children through fun and family time. We examined each phase and how she would shape and execute it.

Stella agreed that all three phases are critical for her to keep the chaos at bay, yet, in planning for the execution of the final stage, she set it up in a way that prevented her from following through. First, she explained that she doesn’t know how to have fun, so I asked, “What’s more important, for you to have fun or for your children and husband to create a shared memory with you in which they’re having fun?” Perspective-taking is a difficult task for the ADHD brain, so Stella paused to process through this consideration of “fun.”

I then asked her what activity her family would enjoy doing together. Her brain was primed, now, to think of the fun from her children’s point of view. She offered up some ideas and said she would have to do some research to determine what’s offered in her city and when and the cost and so forth. 

“That sounds complicated and intensive,” I said. “It sounds like this is becoming your next big project. How does this fit in the timeframe you allotted for breathing room?” 

Stella sighed. In a moment of self-awareness, she said, “I’m doing it again. I always tell them we’ll have some fun, we’ll celebrate, when I get to the other side of my big event, but we never do.” This acknowledgement of the mismatch between her stated intentions and her actions caused her to pause and re-assess. It wasn’t that she always has too much to do or that “things just don’t work out,” as she’s excused the mismatch in the past. 

The ADHD issues affecting Stella’s ability to execute fun with her family include:

  • Difficulty with perspective taking
  • Difficulty recalling past events in order to modify approach to current events
  • Difficulty holding in mind the stated objective
  • Difficulty simplifying activities
  • Perfectionism
  • Procrastination

Through collaborative strategizing during the coaching session, Stella worked out how she will treat her family to some togetherness and fun, thus completing the third stage of recovery and reset so that she is rejuvenated and ready to begin on her next big work project. She decided not to postpone the fun until she could find the perfect activity, she called to mind

 past experiences and what she has learned, and she opted for a simpler more immediate activity in tune with her family’s interests, 

More than that, Stella gained more practice in recognizing her ADHD symptoms overriding her executive functions, thus developing and strengthening her ADHD management skills.

Curiosity: You Are NOT the Cat

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My grandmother frequently admonished me throughout my early years by saying, “Curiosity killed the cat.” This reprimand usually coincided with actual or contemplated mischief, so I heard it a lot from my grandmother’s lips. She used the quip to keep me in line. 

I notice people stating this idiom to their children, to other adults, and to themselves. Clients will even say it to me as an excuse for not considering their range of possibilities.

Repetition of  phrases like this, said as statements of fact, causes us to internalize them. They become a guiding rule for our behavior, acting on us below the level of  our conscious awareness. Adhering to the notion that curiosity killed the cat, therefore it will kill us, keeps us locked in our safety zone. When we stay locked in our safety zone, we sacrifice growth and development in exchange for the comfort of what we already know.

By doing this, we become vulnerable to the pitfalls of failing to exercise curiosity in a world teeming with places, things, and ideas to explore. We become susceptible to problems like:

  1. Group Think
  2. Functional Fixedness
  3. Stagnate Learning
  4. Decline in Neural Networks
  5. Poor Problem-Solving
  6. Failed Relationships

People caution others not to express curiosity as a subtle cue to not rock the boat, to walk the straight and narrow, to maintain the status quo. The message hints that if we ask questions such as, “How does this work?” or “What are my other options?” or “Why is this way the right way and that way the wrong way?” we will be ostracized from the in-group and cast into the out-group.

This conviction activates the limbic system within the brain, where emotions and the flight or fight response are governed. The brain’s sole purpose is to keep us alive. It operates on the prehistoric principle that to be kicked out of the clan means certain death by exposure to the elements, illness, starvation, or predator. Your brain truly believes that curiosity killed the cat and that curiosity will kill you, as well. Thus, it creates a feeling of fear in order to discourage curiosity and regain a sense of safety.

I can 100% guarantee you that you are not the cat. In most cases, curiosity poses no hazards to you. In fact, it expands your worldview. It connects you in deeper and more meaningful ways to the people around you. It profoundly transforms your ability to overcome challenges. And it leads to greater creativity, happiness, and life satisfaction.

 

Your brain is an incredible organ. Though charged with surveying the environment for danger and triggering a response to it, the brain can also be taught that what it once perceived as dangerous is not. It has this marvelous plasticity that allows it to change based on the environment and how you interact with the environment. By indulging in curiosity, even in small ways, you begin to mold your brain to not only embrace curiosity, but to crave it even more.

 

Problem Solving With the Three Ps

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Remember the big, gooey, green monster from childhood that lived under your bed? Remember how you learned to leap from your light switch so it couldn’t grab you by the ankles, pull you under, and gobble you up? Remember how you hid under your covers while in your imagination that ugly green monster grew and grew and grew?

For many of us, that nasty green monster has followed us into adulthood. It nips at our heels. It snatches at our ankles. Fear of it keeps us up at night. Exhaustion from fending it off drives us to hide deep under our covers.

Only now, it’s not a creature of our overactive juvenile imagination. It’s real. It’s the problem we can’t shake. It’s the career, relationship, habit, health issue, financial stumbling block, or insecurity causing us stress. And the more we try to shove it under the bed, the bigger, and Bigger, and BIGGER it grows. Believe me, if you don’t do something about it, IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.

In his book, The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier, discusses the three Ps of every problem. And every problem can be analyzed to discover its three Ps. Essentially, they stand for: Project, People, Patterns. Each one contributes to the problem and, if appropriately addressed, can contribute to the solution(s). Project is the task. People refers to relationships we have with others. Patterns expands to our patterns of behavior.

Lets consider an example. In a recent coaching session I had with a college student, he noted money management as his primary concern. He said, “When I feel like I have a lot of money, I go out and spend way more money than I should. I tell myself, ’It’s just this one time.’ But it never ends up being just one time. Then by the end of the semester, I’m barely paying for essentials. It’s not fun.” He stated that he wanted to get his wild lifestyle swings under control so that he was in a “steady” comfort zone financially.

After explaining the three Ps to him, I asked him to look at his problem in terms of Project, People, and Patterns. This is what he came up with:
*Project – “I need to set up a budget so I can be on cruise control.”
*People – “I have a lot of friends. That’s one of my drives to go out. I have FOMO.” (FOMO = Fear Of Missing Out)
*Patterns – “When I see I have a lot of money, I say, ‘Why not? I’ll do it just this one time.’ When I’m drinking, it’s easier to talk myself into spending money. Also, if someone buys me a drink, I feel the need to return the favor, even though I know he doesn’t really expect me to pay him back.”

Wow! The look on his face once he had finished his analysis. He had dragged his big green monster out into the open, was looking straight into its cesspool eyes, and staring it down! He had clarity on how to wage his attack and could focus his efforts one P at a time. His monster was shrinking SMALLER, and Smaller, and smaller.

Some people are fine to face their monsters alone. Most of us, though, feel far more confident when we have a partner in the fight. Fear of our monsters creates chatter in our heads. Guttural growls from our monsters creates distraction in our environment. It can be hard to hear our own voice over the din.

That’s where coaching to the three Ps can be most useful. A coach provides a quiet, safe space in which to calmly and collectively assess problems, break them into the three Ps, map out targeted solutions, and confidently implement change.

Can’t take on your big, fat, gooey, green monster by yourself? Let’s do it together!

Accept the Problem to Solve the Problem

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Client consultations generally begin with getting to know the potential client. Early in the consult, I ask, “What do you want to achieve through coaching?”

Potential clients often answer that question in one of two ways:

ANSWER 1: The client has a pretty good idea of particular goals, even if those goals haven’t been refined and defined in more specific terms. A client might say something like, “I have all these ideas about my _______________________, but I just don’t know what to do. I feel overwhelmed by too many choices.” This client has identified a problem and is ready to move forward, though the direction forward is yet to be determined. 

ANSWER 2: The client peels off a series of complaints about all the things that are wrong and have always been wrong and how things will never change. Statements like, “I hate my job. My boss has never liked me. My marriage is in the tank. Really, it’s been miserable since the beginning. If I’m honest, I’m doing all the right things, but nothing ever turns out for me.” This potential client feels the world is the opponent and usually wants to know what I’m going to do to make things right for him or her.

While the client in Answer 1 is decidedly ready for coaching, the client in Answer 2 is not. I venture to guess that the client in Answer 2 has already burdened friends with these complaints. I also venture to guess that any assistance and advice offered by friends has been largely ignored, much to the frustration of those friends.

The Answer 2 client isn’t looking for a coach. This client is looking for a fresh ear to complain to. This client is looking for a scapegoat for all that is wrong. This person expects the coach to make the change that will turn things around. When that doesn’t happen, and it won’t happen, this client will have something new about which to complain to weary friends.

What’s the biggest difference between the client in Answer 1 and the client in Answer 2? The client in Answer 1 has ACCEPTED the problem. Acceptance of the problem opens the door to solving it.

The potential client in Answer 2 lacks awareness of the problem, resists recognizing and accepting the problem, and, therefore, is stuck in the mire of doom and gloom waiting for a rescuer who will inevitably be turned away when she shows up.

KEY TAKEAWAY: A coach cannot make a difference for someone who isn’t ready and willing to make a difference for himself or herself. To solve the problem, we first have to accept the problem. Nothing will change for us until we do that. 

Who are you? Are you the constant complainer? Or are you the person who accepts the problem so that it can be solved?

If you’re ready to get to work, schedule a consultation with me today: Contact Form

 

Your Brain on Coaching

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