Curiosity: You Are NOT the Cat

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My grandmother frequently admonished me throughout my early years by saying, “Curiosity killed the cat.” This reprimand usually coincided with actual or contemplated mischief, so I heard it a lot from my grandmother’s lips. She used the quip to keep me in line. 

I notice people stating this idiom to their children, to other adults, and to themselves. Clients will even say it to me as an excuse for not considering their range of possibilities.

Repetition of  phrases like this, said as statements of fact, causes us to internalize them. They become a guiding rule for our behavior, acting on us below the level of  our conscious awareness. Adhering to the notion that curiosity killed the cat, therefore it will kill us, keeps us locked in our safety zone. When we stay locked in our safety zone, we sacrifice growth and development in exchange for the comfort of what we already know.

By doing this, we become vulnerable to the pitfalls of failing to exercise curiosity in a world teeming with places, things, and ideas to explore. We become susceptible to problems like:

  1. Group Think
  2. Functional Fixedness
  3. Stagnate Learning
  4. Decline in Neural Networks
  5. Poor Problem-Solving
  6. Failed Relationships

People caution others not to express curiosity as a subtle cue to not rock the boat, to walk the straight and narrow, to maintain the status quo. The message hints that if we ask questions such as, “How does this work?” or “What are my other options?” or “Why is this way the right way and that way the wrong way?” we will be ostracized from the in-group and cast into the out-group.

This conviction activates the limbic system within the brain, where emotions and the flight or fight response are governed. The brain’s sole purpose is to keep us alive. It operates on the prehistoric principle that to be kicked out of the clan means certain death by exposure to the elements, illness, starvation, or predator. Your brain truly believes that curiosity killed the cat and that curiosity will kill you, as well. Thus, it creates a feeling of fear in order to discourage curiosity and regain a sense of safety.

I can 100% guarantee you that you are not the cat. In most cases, curiosity poses no hazards to you. In fact, it expands your worldview. It connects you in deeper and more meaningful ways to the people around you. It profoundly transforms your ability to overcome challenges. And it leads to greater creativity, happiness, and life satisfaction.

 

Your brain is an incredible organ. Though charged with surveying the environment for danger and triggering a response to it, the brain can also be taught that what it once perceived as dangerous is not. It has this marvelous plasticity that allows it to change based on the environment and how you interact with the environment. By indulging in curiosity, even in small ways, you begin to mold your brain to not only embrace curiosity, but to crave it even more.

 

How to Make Persistence Pay Off

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My psychology students, all 21 of them, bent over the slips of paper I handed out moments before. Most had quickly worked through the first challenge on the paper. As the minutes ticked, most accomplished solving the second problem on the sheet. Within about 10 minutes ¾ of the class put their pencils down and raised their hands to indicate they had completed the task.

The five students still working were scattered amongst those who were finished. Their body language – shifting in their seats, chewing their bottom lips, gripping their fingers into fists – indicated that they were feeling pressure and frustration. Determined to not be outdone by their classmates or my little challenge, they continued to scribble out answers then scratch through those answers to scribble out new solutions that would then be scratched through. They persisted in their effort far longer than even I had anticipated they would.

President Calvin Coolidge is credited with saying, “Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence.” I beg to differ. Persistence alone will not solve the problem, move the dial, or save the day.

Just ask the five students who struggled to solve the puzzle on their paper. It wasn’t their fault, of course, and their inability to solve it didn’t reflect poorly on them. I had intentionally given five students an unsolvable anagram. All 21 students received a paper with three anagrams to solve. The anagrams in the sequence became progressively more challenging. Nonetheless, 16 students received a list of anagrams that were solvable. Five randomly selected students received tow solvable anagrams and a third unsolvable one. 

No amount of persistence would have ever rewarded them w
ith the outcome they sought.

Persistence, also known as grit, can lead to astounding success. It allows the underdog to rise up and overcome obstacles to achieve what no one thought he could. Don’t misunderstand me. I believe in the power of persistence.

 

I believe in the power of persistence when there is a plan. Without a thoughtful plan, a person is engaging in blind persistence, which can result in sticking with a faulty strategy
, working at accomplishing something that cannot be accomplished, or attempting to solve something that isn’t the true problem.

Blind persistence leads to

  1. The creation of false obstacles.
  2. Feelings of frustration and defeat.
  3. Self-comparison to others.
  4. Negative self-talk.
  5. Feeling helpless.
  6. Physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion.
  7. Impaired decision making skills.
  8. Impaired communication skills.

To make persistence work for you

  1. Identify the real problem that needs to be solved 
  2. Determine if that “problem” is something that needs a solution or simply needs you to make a choice. 
  3. Identify what you know from prior experience with this or similar problems.
  4. Identify what you already know about the current situation. 
  5. Clarify for yourself if this is a problem or goal that is important to you or if it is something you are trying to accomplish because you think you should, you think others want you to, or you fear you’ll be judged negatively if you don’t.
  6. Create a plan for persistence that specifically states the end goal, the actions you will take, when you will take each action, how much time you will commit to each action, the resources (including people) you will use to help you complete each action, what success will look like at each step along the way, and the timeline (including end date) for achieving your stated goal.
  7. Stick with (persist with) the plan.

Problem Solving With the Three Ps

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Remember the big, gooey, green monster from childhood that lived under your bed? Remember how you learned to leap from your light switch so it couldn’t grab you by the ankles, pull you under, and gobble you up? Remember how you hid under your covers while in your imagination that ugly green monster grew and grew and grew?

For many of us, that nasty green monster has followed us into adulthood. It nips at our heels. It snatches at our ankles. Fear of it keeps us up at night. Exhaustion from fending it off drives us to hide deep under our covers.

Only now, it’s not a creature of our overactive juvenile imagination. It’s real. It’s the problem we can’t shake. It’s the career, relationship, habit, health issue, financial stumbling block, or insecurity causing us stress. And the more we try to shove it under the bed, the bigger, and Bigger, and BIGGER it grows. Believe me, if you don’t do something about it, IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.

In his book, The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier, discusses the three Ps of every problem. And every problem can be analyzed to discover its three Ps. Essentially, they stand for: Project, People, Patterns. Each one contributes to the problem and, if appropriately addressed, can contribute to the solution(s). Project is the task. People refers to relationships we have with others. Patterns expands to our patterns of behavior.

Lets consider an example. In a recent coaching session I had with a college student, he noted money management as his primary concern. He said, “When I feel like I have a lot of money, I go out and spend way more money than I should. I tell myself, ’It’s just this one time.’ But it never ends up being just one time. Then by the end of the semester, I’m barely paying for essentials. It’s not fun.” He stated that he wanted to get his wild lifestyle swings under control so that he was in a “steady” comfort zone financially.

After explaining the three Ps to him, I asked him to look at his problem in terms of Project, People, and Patterns. This is what he came up with:
*Project – “I need to set up a budget so I can be on cruise control.”
*People – “I have a lot of friends. That’s one of my drives to go out. I have FOMO.” (FOMO = Fear Of Missing Out)
*Patterns – “When I see I have a lot of money, I say, ‘Why not? I’ll do it just this one time.’ When I’m drinking, it’s easier to talk myself into spending money. Also, if someone buys me a drink, I feel the need to return the favor, even though I know he doesn’t really expect me to pay him back.”

Wow! The look on his face once he had finished his analysis. He had dragged his big green monster out into the open, was looking straight into its cesspool eyes, and staring it down! He had clarity on how to wage his attack and could focus his efforts one P at a time. His monster was shrinking SMALLER, and Smaller, and smaller.

Some people are fine to face their monsters alone. Most of us, though, feel far more confident when we have a partner in the fight. Fear of our monsters creates chatter in our heads. Guttural growls from our monsters creates distraction in our environment. It can be hard to hear our own voice over the din.

That’s where coaching to the three Ps can be most useful. A coach provides a quiet, safe space in which to calmly and collectively assess problems, break them into the three Ps, map out targeted solutions, and confidently implement change.

Can’t take on your big, fat, gooey, green monster by yourself? Let’s do it together!

Accept the Problem to Solve the Problem

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Client consultations generally begin with getting to know the potential client. Early in the consult, I ask, “What do you want to achieve through coaching?”

Potential clients often answer that question in one of two ways:

ANSWER 1: The client has a pretty good idea of particular goals, even if those goals haven’t been refined and defined in more specific terms. A client might say something like, “I have all these ideas about my _______________________, but I just don’t know what to do. I feel overwhelmed by too many choices.” This client has identified a problem and is ready to move forward, though the direction forward is yet to be determined. 

ANSWER 2: The client peels off a series of complaints about all the things that are wrong and have always been wrong and how things will never change. Statements like, “I hate my job. My boss has never liked me. My marriage is in the tank. Really, it’s been miserable since the beginning. If I’m honest, I’m doing all the right things, but nothing ever turns out for me.” This potential client feels the world is the opponent and usually wants to know what I’m going to do to make things right for him or her.

While the client in Answer 1 is decidedly ready for coaching, the client in Answer 2 is not. I venture to guess that the client in Answer 2 has already burdened friends with these complaints. I also venture to guess that any assistance and advice offered by friends has been largely ignored, much to the frustration of those friends.

The Answer 2 client isn’t looking for a coach. This client is looking for a fresh ear to complain to. This client is looking for a scapegoat for all that is wrong. This person expects the coach to make the change that will turn things around. When that doesn’t happen, and it won’t happen, this client will have something new about which to complain to weary friends.

What’s the biggest difference between the client in Answer 1 and the client in Answer 2? The client in Answer 1 has ACCEPTED the problem. Acceptance of the problem opens the door to solving it.

The potential client in Answer 2 lacks awareness of the problem, resists recognizing and accepting the problem, and, therefore, is stuck in the mire of doom and gloom waiting for a rescuer who will inevitably be turned away when she shows up.

KEY TAKEAWAY: A coach cannot make a difference for someone who isn’t ready and willing to make a difference for himself or herself. To solve the problem, we first have to accept the problem. Nothing will change for us until we do that. 

Who are you? Are you the constant complainer? Or are you the person who accepts the problem so that it can be solved?

If you’re ready to get to work, schedule a consultation with me today: Contact Form