ADHD Tool Tip: Reduce Decision-Making Part 1, Clothing

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This post is a continuation of my series of recommended ADHD tools. I typically avoid making recommendations to my coaching clients, because one particular solution isn’t the key for everyone. Each person experiences the challenges of ADHD in his or her own unique way. That acknowledged, I understand that knowing what has worked for others can reduce the overwhelm of finding something that will work for you.

An aspect of daily life many of my clients find overwhelming is choosing what to wear each day. It can be the source of a great deal of stress. They describe themselves standing in their closet door staring at their clothes, or, even more commonly, standing in the laundry room over a basket of unfolded laundry, and losing so much time in the morning trying to pick out something to wear. They become paralyzed by the pressure to make a decision. Ugh.

We can really help our brains function better and improve our time management if we reduce decision-making pressure in the moment. In other words, mornings will be easier and we’ll move a little faster if we’ve made the “what to wear” decision in advance, in a period when time pressure was not an issue. What’s also helpful is setting ourselves up to not have to repeat the advance decision-making over and over again.

Two ways my clients have solved this:

  1. Creating a “uniform” for work.
  2. Creating standard “outfits” for each day.

A work “uniform” combines basic pieces and colors worn together each day of the week. Accessories can be added to spice up the uniform if/when it becomes boring.

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An example of a work uniform is paring black pants with a white blouse. My favorite go-tos are Lysse pants, like the black ponte pants pictured here (wearing Lysse pants is like secretly wearing comfy yoga pants), and a top that resists wrinkles, like this Grace Karin blouse. If you want a uniform that looks slightly different each day, get multiple blouses in the same color but different style or visa versa.

Maybe you prefer to plan and simplify what-to-wear using clothing you already have in your closet (or laundry basket). This means taking time to assess what you own to coordinate outfits that appeal to you and make you feel good when you’re wearing them. Then group them together in your closet for easy pull, dress, and go mornings.

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A few tools to put together planned outfits include space-saving hangers, hanger connector hooks, and tags. Use the

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hanger connector hooks to group items of clothing together, then use labeled tags on the clothes rod or the hanger groups to designate a day of the week, such as “Monday Week 1.” I like the tags shown here because I can write on them or use the tags included with them.

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If you’d like to try using products in this post, clicking on any of the highlighted words or the picture will take you to Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I earn on qualifying purchases. The items in this post and the others in this series are shared as useful suggestions and meant to help generate ideas and/or provide a potential way to move forward. No one solution will work for every person. Experiment with what makes sense for you.

 

 

The Good Life v. The Should Life

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Melanie came to coaching with her brain brimming with tasks, projects, appointments, ideas, and commitments. She also came to coaching shouldering an abundance of shame for how she had not followed through with these things or accomplished them in the way she believed she should. The slump of her shoulders signaled defeat. She felt it in her brain and her body. “I should be on top of this stuff,” she said. “I should just make myself do it. Other people don’t have any trouble getting life done.”

Melanie shared a multitude of “shoulds” with me in that session: she should follow a set daily schedule, she should have a morning routine, she should exercise more, she should manage her email better, she should be like her co-workers who make everything look so easy. Her list was long and varied.

Interestingly, Melanie did not notice the pattern of her chosen words. When I brought to her attention how many times she had used the word “should,” she was genuinely surprised.

We spent a few minutes exploring the impact of “should” on her body, mind, and emotions. She discovered that her belief in “should” was blocking her from moving forward on her tasks, projects, appointments, ideas, and commitments. She realized that “should” was at the root of her feelings of overwhelm, paralysis,and shame.

I asked Melanie, “What do you want?”

She grew very quiet and looked away as she struggled to untangle what she really wanted from what shethought she should want. As we talked it through, she allowed herself to get curious about how she moves through the world and the value in her way of doing things.

At last, she found a thread to pull at. She said, “I want to live a good life.” Over the next few sessions we unpacked and definedwhat “a good life” looks like for Melanie, without any shoulds attached to it. In fact, she determined that a good life for her has no shoulds.

How about you? What kind of life are you living? What kind of life do you want to live?

Are you enjoying The Good Life? Or are you mired in The Should Life?

Prepare the Way for Your Future Self

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The headline for a news story on my weather app read, “Coast to Coast Feeling Arctic Blast;Will it End?” I laughed. It struck me as humorous and, at the same time, existentially philosophical in its phrasing: this negative

event is happening to us humans who fear daring to hope that the event is finite and that our discomfort will not last forever. Oh the dread and an

gst of our existence these few words capture, while also revealing the human tendency to believe that our current state of being is our only and our perpetual state of being. We struggle to  see past it to our future selves.

When our immediate state of affairs is positive, we are tricked into not planning for the future. We either believe that we are highly effective and our abilities have not only led us to this optimal performance, but they will also maintain us here,  or we fear that making any movement will disrupt the balance of things and cast us into a pit of doom. Sometimes these two oppositional forces exist within us at the same time.

At any rate, we avoid personal growth because we want nothing to change. We are as we want to be and we expect this to remain so from now until the end of time. Complaceny sets in. When things inevitably shift, we panic because we are not prepared.

When our immediate state of affairs is negative, it causes us to feel helpless to exert any meaningful action to change our environment, our situation, or ourselves. We either believe that some force of the universe has selected our life to lay waste to, or we blame ourselves and our impotency  for our misfortune. Sometimes we hold both of these thoughts at the same time. 

Our faulty memory tells us  that things have always been this way and will always be this way and that we have always failed in our effort to make them any different. Feeling powerless to move the needle toward what we really want, we do nothing.When things inevitably shift, we are not prepared.

There’s always room for personal growth, even when our lives  are at their best. In fact, this is the perfect time – when experiencing heightened optimism and satisfaction – to develop skills and strategies that will prepare us for change and move us toward the next goal. 

Likewise, we always have more power and control than we believe we do, even when things are as bad as they can get. This is the ideal  time to take a step to prove our own strength to ourselves. That small step will be the thing that turns the tide and pulls us out of our slump.

If you find yourself asking the question, “Will it end?”, you maybe at a turning point between who you are right now and your future self. Take care that your erroneous thoughts, beliefs, and feelings don’t ice you out. 

If you believe you need support and accountability to minimize frictional resistance to moving in your right direction, toward a future self who is competent and confident, a coach, whether for a sinc=gle session or multiple sessions, is the right professional to invite into your corner.

Take a Proactive Approach to the New Year

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Creating Change

Samantha and I spent the last couple of sessions analyzing her pattern of self talk and developing strategies to improve her internal conversation with herself. She says things to herself like, “I always make such stupid mistakes. I never pay attention to what I’m doing. Everybody knows I’m no good at this job.” 

She wants to shift from addressing her perceived shortcomings with self talk that is global (meaning it applies to her in all contexts), stable (meaning she cannot change), and internal (meaning it describes a core part of who she is) to self talk that is specific (meaning it addresses a single event), unstable (meaning it acknowledges that she has the power to change outcomes), and external (meaning she recognizes that there may be other explanations for an event that relate to the environment around her and not to who he is at her core).

 

Doing the Work of Personal Growth

Samantha decided to practice pausing, noticing the words she is saying to herself, and getting curious. She formulated response questions: Is this true?; Is this helpful or productive? What is my specific example? The next step after this pause and “curious reflection”is to reframe her self-talk in statements that are specific and flexible.

 

The “Great Ah-ha”

Through this exercise, Samantha experienced a “great ah-ha,” a moment of clarity. She said, “I realized I keep approaching things as I think they ‘should’ be done instead of in ways that work best for me.” She acknowledged that when she approaches the challenges of home, work, parenting, and general life in ways that are authentic to her, she experiences “more tangible success.”

This important shift in thinking is a huge step forward for my ADHD clients, as well as for my business development, leadership, and entrepreneurial clients. This is where they turn the corner and gain momentum toward their goals. At this stage of growth, it becomes important for us to keep this “great ah-ha” top of mind and to apply it intentionally. 

 

Staying Focused

As a result, Samantha and I explored what it means to act in accord with her authentic self and how she can know for certain that she is. What can she create and refer to to decide if her ideas,plans, projects, and actions align with her authentic self and what works best for her, thus increasing her probability for success.

The turn of a new year is a perfect time for us all to consider this, to ask the question, “how can I be sure that I’m approaching the things I do in a way that aligns with who I am, the best way for me to do things, and what I value?

Writing a personal vision statement can help us define the answer to this question. It provides a reference point for a reminder of who we are and how we want live our lives. Combined with a list of value statements, it becomes the foundation for setting goals, making decisions, driving success, and celebrating our unique individuality. A personal vision statement accompanied by a list of value statements enables us to proactively plan and prepare and to also retroactively assess and self-correct.

 

Develop Your Personal Vision Statement

In 1-2 sentences, describe your purpose, express your individuality, challenge yourself, and define your overall goal. Your personal vision statement becomes a source of motivation and grounding. 

If you still don’t know where to start, try using one of the following templates as a prompt. Just fill in the blanks:

  1. I aim to ________________________ so that ________________________ because ________________. With this in mind, I will strive to _____________________.
  2. To be ________________________ so that ___________________because ________________. I intend to ___________________ while also ________________.
  3. To __________________________ by doing ______________ so that _______________ because _________________.

Develop Your Personal Value Statements

One-sentence values statements share your principles and identity. They name what you’re committed to and unwilling to waver on. These are core beliefs and practices that thread through all you say and do and guide how you operate.

If creating these statements feels intimidating, try using a few of the following templates:

  1. I seek to _________________.
  2. I will serve _______________.
  3. I will find _____________.
  4. I commit to ______________.
  5. I will design ______________.
  6. I create ______________.
  7. I work ______________.
  8. I wikk integrate ________________.