Tag Archive for: Coaching

Who Is Stopping You?

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Stella, a high-achieving entrepreneur in the event planning sector, came to her recent coaching session wanting to figure out how to create “breathing room” between the completion of one major project and the launch of another so that she doesn’t repeat the pattern of cascading from one chaotic situation to the next. Her past pattern of remaining in a constant state of overwhelm leaves her feeling exhausted and drained and puts a strain on her important relationships. She recognizes that she is the source of the barriers to peace and, therefore, she has the power to remove them to make space for a different reality.

Together, we explored what breathing room would look like for her and how much time she would need to devote to it for it to be effective. She discovered that recovery and reset for her involves three phases: physical exertion on a mindless task followed by opportunity for reflection on the completed work project followed by reconnecting with her husband and children through fun and family time. We examined each phase and how she would shape and execute it.

Stella agreed that all three phases are critical for her to keep the chaos at bay, yet, in planning for the execution of the final stage, she set it up in a way that prevented her from following through. First, she explained that she doesn’t know how to have fun, so I asked, “What’s more important, for you to have fun or for your children and husband to create a shared memory with you in which they’re having fun?” Perspective-taking is a difficult task for the ADHD brain, so Stella paused to process through this consideration of “fun.”

I then asked her what activity her family would enjoy doing together. Her brain was primed, now, to think of the fun from her children’s point of view. She offered up some ideas and said she would have to do some research to determine what’s offered in her city and when and the cost and so forth. 

“That sounds complicated and intensive,” I said. “It sounds like this is becoming your next big project. How does this fit in the timeframe you allotted for breathing room?” 

Stella sighed. In a moment of self-awareness, she said, “I’m doing it again. I always tell them we’ll have some fun, we’ll celebrate, when I get to the other side of my big event, but we never do.” This acknowledgement of the mismatch between her stated intentions and her actions caused her to pause and re-assess. It wasn’t that she always has too much to do or that “things just don’t work out,” as she’s excused the mismatch in the past. 

The ADHD issues affecting Stella’s ability to execute fun with her family include:

  • Difficulty with perspective taking
  • Difficulty recalling past events in order to modify approach to current events
  • Difficulty holding in mind the stated objective
  • Difficulty simplifying activities
  • Perfectionism
  • Procrastination

Through collaborative strategizing during the coaching session, Stella worked out how she will treat her family to some togetherness and fun, thus completing the third stage of recovery and reset so that she is rejuvenated and ready to begin on her next big work project. She decided not to postpone the fun until she could find the perfect activity, she called to mind

 past experiences and what she has learned, and she opted for a simpler more immediate activity in tune with her family’s interests, 

More than that, Stella gained more practice in recognizing her ADHD symptoms overriding her executive functions, thus developing and strengthening her ADHD management skills.

3 Step Framework for the Perfect Compliment

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Human relationships are built on communication. Our communication skills give others information about who we are, what they can expect from us, and how responsive we are to them. Good communication draws people into us. Bad communication creates friction and distancing.

Alice, a recent client, manages several employees in a customer-facing setting. Alice struggles with inattentive type ADD and often overlooks important environmental details and interpersonal cues. She’s not unlike many adults with ADD. What sets her apart, however, is that she invests in self improvement.

In one session she brought to the table a particular issue she was having with a subordinate. She had told a direct report, “You did good work on that project. I like what you did.” Later, when it got back to her that the employee was upset about her statement, Alice was utterly confused. Alice believed that she was developing good will, reinforcing skills, and encouraging a member of her team. From the employee’s perspective, however, it appeared that Alice had no idea the effort that was put into completing the project or the time it took to put it all together. The subordinate felt overlooked and discounted.

As Alice and I talked out the situation, it became evident how her well-intentioned words missed the mark. Receiving them was like receiving a participation trophy. They meant nothing in the context of the project or the subordinate’s abilities.

 

Benefits of Compliments

Compliments are an important part of communication. The extension of a well-worded compliment has several benefits, including:

*Creating positive emotional experiences for oneself and others.

*Creating and strengthening interpersonal and professional relationships.

*Providing valuable information regarding what someone is doing well.

*Promoting confidence in oneself and others.

*Demonstrating personal integrity and honesty.

 

Challenges to Giving Compliments

Most of us face some specific challenges to giving good compliments, particularly those of us with ADD and its symptoms. Communicating a powerful compliment requires:

*Slowing down and taking notice of the environment and of other people.

After our coaching session, Alice worked on being mindful of each employee’s activities and behaviors. She became an observer at work. She made notes about what she saw and heard. When it came time to give feedback in the form of a compliment, she was prepared with specifics.

*Critical thinking.

Not only that, but she practiced relating those specifics back to the job duties performed by those in her department. Making these connections, enabled her to speak the language of her organization and industry when relaying a compliment.

*Risking vulnerability.

Giving a powerful compliment can feel scary because it’s a two-way street of information. We worry that the other person won’t like us, or will question our motivation for the compliment, or that someone else will criticize us for speaking up. Alice  allowed herself to feel fearful of saying the wrong thing, accepted the discomfort as part of the process, and practiced extending better compliments.

 

S.O.S. Framework for Compliments

By developing mastery of communicating compliments, Alice changed the emotional atmosphere in her workplace and increased productivity from her team. She also gained their loyalty and began connecting with each person at a deeper level. How did she achieve this turn-around? She began using the S.O.S. Framework for compliments. A compliment must be:

*Specific

A compliment should name a project, a behavior, a result, a piece of data, etc. relevant to the person receiving the compliment.

*Objective

The compliment should reference behaviors, words, results, data, etc. that can be observed and validated by others on the team or in the community.

*Sincere

We compliment others because we want to, not because we have to or because we’re trying to gain something in return. A compliment is a gift without strings. Others can detect when it isn’t sincere.

 

Now, instead of empty compliments, like, “You did good work on that project. I like what you did,” Alice digs in and says something like, “That 95% customer satisfaction rating that came out of the campaign you spearheaded to greet every customer by name and provide a self-introduction contributed to a sales increase of 11% last quarter. Thank you for staying dedicated to it even when some of the team was pushing back.”

 

Problem Solving With the Three Ps

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Remember the big, gooey, green monster from childhood that lived under your bed? Remember how you learned to leap from your light switch so it couldn’t grab you by the ankles, pull you under, and gobble you up? Remember how you hid under your covers while in your imagination that ugly green monster grew and grew and grew?

For many of us, that nasty green monster has followed us into adulthood. It nips at our heels. It snatches at our ankles. Fear of it keeps us up at night. Exhaustion from fending it off drives us to hide deep under our covers.

Only now, it’s not a creature of our overactive juvenile imagination. It’s real. It’s the problem we can’t shake. It’s the career, relationship, habit, health issue, financial stumbling block, or insecurity causing us stress. And the more we try to shove it under the bed, the bigger, and Bigger, and BIGGER it grows. Believe me, if you don’t do something about it, IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.

In his book, The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier, discusses the three Ps of every problem. And every problem can be analyzed to discover its three Ps. Essentially, they stand for: Project, People, Patterns. Each one contributes to the problem and, if appropriately addressed, can contribute to the solution(s). Project is the task. People refers to relationships we have with others. Patterns expands to our patterns of behavior.

Lets consider an example. In a recent coaching session I had with a college student, he noted money management as his primary concern. He said, “When I feel like I have a lot of money, I go out and spend way more money than I should. I tell myself, ’It’s just this one time.’ But it never ends up being just one time. Then by the end of the semester, I’m barely paying for essentials. It’s not fun.” He stated that he wanted to get his wild lifestyle swings under control so that he was in a “steady” comfort zone financially.

After explaining the three Ps to him, I asked him to look at his problem in terms of Project, People, and Patterns. This is what he came up with:
*Project – “I need to set up a budget so I can be on cruise control.”
*People – “I have a lot of friends. That’s one of my drives to go out. I have FOMO.” (FOMO = Fear Of Missing Out)
*Patterns – “When I see I have a lot of money, I say, ‘Why not? I’ll do it just this one time.’ When I’m drinking, it’s easier to talk myself into spending money. Also, if someone buys me a drink, I feel the need to return the favor, even though I know he doesn’t really expect me to pay him back.”

Wow! The look on his face once he had finished his analysis. He had dragged his big green monster out into the open, was looking straight into its cesspool eyes, and staring it down! He had clarity on how to wage his attack and could focus his efforts one P at a time. His monster was shrinking SMALLER, and Smaller, and smaller.

Some people are fine to face their monsters alone. Most of us, though, feel far more confident when we have a partner in the fight. Fear of our monsters creates chatter in our heads. Guttural growls from our monsters creates distraction in our environment. It can be hard to hear our own voice over the din.

That’s where coaching to the three Ps can be most useful. A coach provides a quiet, safe space in which to calmly and collectively assess problems, break them into the three Ps, map out targeted solutions, and confidently implement change.

Can’t take on your big, fat, gooey, green monster by yourself? Let’s do it together!

Accept the Problem to Solve the Problem

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Client consultations generally begin with getting to know the potential client. Early in the consult, I ask, “What do you want to achieve through coaching?”

Potential clients often answer that question in one of two ways:

ANSWER 1: The client has a pretty good idea of particular goals, even if those goals haven’t been refined and defined in more specific terms. A client might say something like, “I have all these ideas about my _______________________, but I just don’t know what to do. I feel overwhelmed by too many choices.” This client has identified a problem and is ready to move forward, though the direction forward is yet to be determined. 

ANSWER 2: The client peels off a series of complaints about all the things that are wrong and have always been wrong and how things will never change. Statements like, “I hate my job. My boss has never liked me. My marriage is in the tank. Really, it’s been miserable since the beginning. If I’m honest, I’m doing all the right things, but nothing ever turns out for me.” This potential client feels the world is the opponent and usually wants to know what I’m going to do to make things right for him or her.

While the client in Answer 1 is decidedly ready for coaching, the client in Answer 2 is not. I venture to guess that the client in Answer 2 has already burdened friends with these complaints. I also venture to guess that any assistance and advice offered by friends has been largely ignored, much to the frustration of those friends.

The Answer 2 client isn’t looking for a coach. This client is looking for a fresh ear to complain to. This client is looking for a scapegoat for all that is wrong. This person expects the coach to make the change that will turn things around. When that doesn’t happen, and it won’t happen, this client will have something new about which to complain to weary friends.

What’s the biggest difference between the client in Answer 1 and the client in Answer 2? The client in Answer 1 has ACCEPTED the problem. Acceptance of the problem opens the door to solving it.

The potential client in Answer 2 lacks awareness of the problem, resists recognizing and accepting the problem, and, therefore, is stuck in the mire of doom and gloom waiting for a rescuer who will inevitably be turned away when she shows up.

KEY TAKEAWAY: A coach cannot make a difference for someone who isn’t ready and willing to make a difference for himself or herself. To solve the problem, we first have to accept the problem. Nothing will change for us until we do that. 

Who are you? Are you the constant complainer? Or are you the person who accepts the problem so that it can be solved?

If you’re ready to get to work, schedule a consultation with me today: Contact Form

 

Your Brain on Coaching

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