The Good Life v. The Should Life

Melanie came to coaching with her brain brimming with tasks, projects, appointments, ideas, and commitments. She also came to coaching shouldering an abundance of shame for how she had not followed through with these things or accomplished them in the way she believed she should. The slump of her shoulders signaled defeat. She felt it in her brain and her body. “I should be on top of this stuff,” she said. “I should just make myself do it. Other people don’t have any trouble getting life done.”

Melanie shared a multitude of “shoulds” with me in that session: she should follow a set daily schedule, she should have a morning routine, she should exercise more, she should manage her email better, she should be like her co-workers who make everything look so easy. Her list was long and varied.

Interestingly, Melanie did not notice the pattern of her chosen words. When I brought to her attention how many times she had used the word “should,” she was genuinely surprised.

We spent a few minutes exploring the impact of “should” on her body, mind, and emotions. She discovered that her belief in “should” was blocking her from moving forward on her tasks, projects, appointments, ideas, and commitments. She realized that “should” was at the root of her feelings of overwhelm, paralysis,and shame.

I asked Melanie, “What do you want?”

She grew very quiet and looked away as she struggled to untangle what she really wanted from what shethought she should want. As we talked it through, she allowed herself to get curious about how she moves through the world and the value in her way of doing things.

At last, she found a thread to pull at. She said, “I want to live a good life.” Over the next few sessions we unpacked and definedwhat “a good life” looks like for Melanie, without any shoulds attached to it. In fact, she determined that a good life for her has no shoulds.

How about you? What kind of life are you living? What kind of life do you want to live?

Are you enjoying The Good Life? Or are you mired in The Should Life?