Emotions Are Not Data

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Emotions happen. We don’t control them. We experience them. Emotions provide us with information about our internal state and our interpretation of our external environment, but they are not data.

In certain circumstances, it makes sense to act in response to an emotion. For example, if you’re walking alone in a dark alley and you feel fear, trust it and choose to leave the dark alley in favor of walking on a populated, brightly lit street. 

It’s important to recognize, however, tha

t our brain can fool us. It can use negative emotionsto erroneously warn us thatwe are in danger of becoming prey or being ostracized, two things humans evolutionarily avoid. In its effort to protect us from death bypredators and from loss of a support system, the brain has developed a negativity bias. We are thus sensitive to and very aware of ournegative emotions and allow them to influence our decisions, our personal boundaries, and our relationships.

Karen, a recent client, came to coachingwanting to improve her work-life balance. One of the challenges she identified was her inability to set boundaries around her work day. When she transitioned from working in an office to remote work, this became especially difficult. Through our sessions together, she determined that she wanted to clearly define her work hours for herself and for her colleagues and upper management. As a result, she began declining meetings outside of her defined work hours.

In a follow-up session, I checked in with Karen on how holding this boundary around her work hours was impacting her goal of improved work-life balance. Her face dropped, and she lamented, “It isn’t working.”

I probed, “What part of the strategy isn’t working?”

She said, “It isn’t workingbecause I feel bad about declining meetings.” She wanted to drop the whole strategy and try to findsome other way to “feel like” she had work-life balance.

As we explored this deeper, she acknowledged that she in fact was enjoying more time with her family and keeping up better with household tasks as a result of setting boundaries around her work hours. She reported that tension between her and her husband over her work had also decreased. Furthermore, she could not name any concrete negative repercussions at work. Nonetheless, Karen was using her negative emotion as the sole criteria for judging the effectiveness of her strategy.

Do you recognize yourself in this account? Do you make critical life decisions based on emotional feedback? How can these negative emotions be processed in a meaningful way? What’s a better way to get at useful data points for determining whether what you’re doing is working?


 

First, take some steps to evaluate and manage the emotion itself:

  1. Pause –
    Pausing provides time for your emotional brain to cool down and your logical brain to heat up.
  2. Reflect – Create self-awareness by objectively considering how the emotion influences your physical state, your cognitive state, and your behavioral state. It may enhance your self-awareness to journal your observations.
  3. Name It – Naming an emotion can tame it. Naming it takes away its power over you.
  4. Respond – Choose your response with intention. You can choose to do something in response or to do nothing in response. Choosing is the action in both cases. 

Next, ask yourself two questions about your strategy to collect information beyond your emotion:

  1. Did I do the behavior I committedto?
  2. What observable outcomes did I get as a result?

Together, Karen and I employed these tools to take a 360-degree view of her strategy for improving her work-life balance. She ultimately chose to stick with her boundaries around work hours. She says that she sometimes still feels bad when declining a meeting outside of her work hours, but she uses her new tools to slow down, examine her emotion, and gather accurate data. 

How can you use these tools to achieve your goals?

The Good Life v. The Should Life

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Melanie came to coaching with her brain brimming with tasks, projects, appointments, ideas, and commitments. She also came to coaching shouldering an abundance of shame for how she had not followed through with these things or accomplished them in the way she believed she should. The slump of her shoulders signaled defeat. She felt it in her brain and her body. “I should be on top of this stuff,” she said. “I should just make myself do it. Other people don’t have any trouble getting life done.”

Melanie shared a multitude of “shoulds” with me in that session: she should follow a set daily schedule, she should have a morning routine, she should exercise more, she should manage her email better, she should be like her co-workers who make everything look so easy. Her list was long and varied.

Interestingly, Melanie did not notice the pattern of her chosen words. When I brought to her attention how many times she had used the word “should,” she was genuinely surprised.

We spent a few minutes exploring the impact of “should” on her body, mind, and emotions. She discovered that her belief in “should” was blocking her from moving forward on her tasks, projects, appointments, ideas, and commitments. She realized that “should” was at the root of her feelings of overwhelm, paralysis,and shame.

I asked Melanie, “What do you want?”

She grew very quiet and looked away as she struggled to untangle what she really wanted from what shethought she should want. As we talked it through, she allowed herself to get curious about how she moves through the world and the value in her way of doing things.

At last, she found a thread to pull at. She said, “I want to live a good life.” Over the next few sessions we unpacked and definedwhat “a good life” looks like for Melanie, without any shoulds attached to it. In fact, she determined that a good life for her has no shoulds.

How about you? What kind of life are you living? What kind of life do you want to live?

Are you enjoying The Good Life? Or are you mired in The Should Life?

Five Steps to Go from Hyperfocus to Flow

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As we explored the ADHD symptom of hyperfocus in one of our recent coaching sessions, Angel lamented that for her hyperfocus on a task doesn’t consistently result in productivity. She often experiences hyperfocus without the effect of moving forward. She says “It feels like I’m getting stuck just looking and thinking but not doing. I’m there. I’m giving it all my attention. But I’m not doing anything meaningful to accomplish something I want to get done.” 

Hyperfocus involves intense concentration on a specific task to the exclusion of everything else. Unfortunately, intense attention isn’t always enough to generate productive action. The focus itself is so intense that it excludes input and flexible thinking that will move us forward. 

What’s missing in the experience of hyperfocus? We’re missing the element of being energized by what we’re working on. We might be hyper focused on something that feels so overwhelming it shuts down action or on something that feels so simple it fails to get us moving.

What we need to find is the state of being that psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályind calls “flow.” Flow is a state of optimal experience where individuals are fully immersed and energized in an activity, often losing track of time. While hyperfocus is more spontaneous and can be challenging to control, flow is typically achieved through a balance of challenge and skill.

Five Steps to Move from Hyperfocus to Flow

  1. Set Clear Goals

Clearly define the goals of the task during hyperfocus to provide a sense of direction. In this step, you are planning and defining your outcomes. Doing this will aid you in both being productive and identifying the evidence for your productivity. Setting goals in advance will also give you a guide to know when you have completed your work.

  1. Seek Immediate Feedback

Ensure you receive feedback about your progress in real-time to adjust and refine your efforts. This could be achieved by recruiting an accountability partner or a body double who can share observations with you. It can also be achieved by referring to your goals to assess how your realtime efforts are contributing to your defined outcomes.

  1. Create Balanced Challenge 

Modify the task to match your skill level. Adjust difficulty to keep it challenging but not overwhelming. The key here is to be like Goldilocks: not too much, not too little, just right. When creating balanced challenge for yourself, watch out for the pitfalls of trying to live up to “shoulds” and trying to do it like you believe everyone around you is doing it. Be true to who you are and where your skills lie when creating that balanced challenge.

  1. Eliminate Distractions 

Create an environment that minimizes external interruptions to maintain focus. This can be things like hanging a DO NOT DISTURB sign on your office door and closing it, putting your phone somewhere out of reach, or tidying your workspace before starting. Another good idea is to gather all of your needed materials and supplies in advance to avoid breaking your concentration and opening yourself to distractions as you go in search of things.

  1. Ensure Task Engagement 

Stay fully engaged in the task by ensuring it aligns with your interests and passions. The greater your interest in a task, the easier it is to enter a flow state. Again, this comes down to knowing and accepting yourself and how you operate best, regardless of “shoulds” or how you think you compare to others.

Take the challenge. Try using these steps to channel hyperfocus into a more structured and enjoyable flow experience.

The ADHD Brain and Systems – Part 2

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Part 1 of The ADHD Brain and Systems addresses how the ADHD brain reacts to the systems we implement to bring order and control to our lives. It also provides three strategies you can use to make a system more effective. If you have not read part 1 yet, pause here and read it before proceeding.

Remember Carla from part 1? She and I worked together to solve her systems problem. We explored the routine she had put in place for her day. As we probed and processed, she concluded that she expected her system to do too much. She acknowledged that she had created it based on how she believed she “should” do it. She realized that her expectation of the system to take her from zero order to strict and rigid structure in one fell swoop was unrealistic and unattainable. 

When you think about yourself and your past systems, does this sound familiar?

Do you want to create better systems for yourself?

Consider these Five Tips for Getting Started:

Reflect on your old discarded systems. Mine them for the gems that were useful and effective. Consider characteristics or patterns those gems have in common. How can you incorporate those into systems you create for yourself moving forward?

 

Keep it simple. This phrase seems so over used, yet it is so true. I have clients who spend hours, days even, creating complex systems with bells, whistles, and baubles of all sizes and colors to account for any and every possibility. Their systems are detailed, comprehensive, complex, and attractive but not practical. Their brains enjoy the creative process of putting them together but balk at actual implementation because the systems are too overwhelming and complicated to use. So, keep it simple.

 

Use a system that works with YOUR brain. This requires some self observation, analysis, and, above all, honesty. It also requires you to let go of the idea (hope) that someone other than you knows the perfect magic way of doing things that will make everything in your life fall into place.

 

Keep your expectations realistic. 100% consistency isn’t an achievable goal. How about putting into place a repeatable structure that you can implement 70% of the time on average and fall back to when life gets messy?

 

Get a thinking partner. It’s hard to ask yourself the hard questions and be objective about your responses when just doing it in your head. A coach is specially trained to collaborate with you to help you move forward. If setting up with a coach doesn’t feel like the right move for you, a trusted friend or family member may be able to fill the role. Who is a person in your life who can listen, ask good questions, and collaborate with you to process your wants, needs, patterns, skills, and so forth?

What’s your next move?

The ADHD Brain and Systems – Part 1

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Carla arrived at coaching so frustrated with herself. She had determined a routine for her day in the previous session, but reported that she had “failed” at sticking with it. When I asked what she thought was getting in her way, she said, “It wasn’t a good plan. It doesn’t work. I just want a system that works.”

Carla, like so many of my high-achieving clients, desires a “system,” or a “recipe,” or a “routine,” that will get her through each day and through each task. She wants a system that will automate her efforts and optimize her time and productivity. She believes that “the right system” will change EVERYTHING. 

Can you relate?

Carla has created numerous systems for herself in the past, and she has long since abandoned them all. When a system no longer seems to work, she goes in search of the next “perfect system.” Carla, when she isn’t successful 100% of the time, decides the system is totally flawed in every aspect, throws the whole design out, and begins again from scratch.

Does this sound like you?

There are so many things I can say about systems at this juncture, but I’m going to narrow our focus in this discussion. What I hear in Carla’s story is that she takes an all-or-nothing approach to her systems and she focuses on failure to implement rather than successes of the system. These are both barriers to moving forward. 

The ADHD brain both craves and resists systems. It wants to make life easier and automated, but when it succeeds, it gets bored and demands a different solution. 

How often has this happened to you?

Three Important things to remember about systems:

  1. There are NO PERFECT SYSTEMS. No one out there on the internet has created a  fail-proof system that works for YOU and everyone, every time, in all contexts. Nothing works 100% of the time for 100% of people. There are good systems, not perfect ones. Good systems are ones that fit you and how your brain works. Good systems are individualized.

 

  1. Before ditching a system you’re using, try shifting your focus from the flaws to the elements that are effective. There are always parts of a system that are serving you well. Identify those system strengths and pour gas on them.

 

  1. EVERY system, including the ones that work, get boring to the ADHD brain. It can only do the same thing in the sameway for so many times until it rebels and tells you “This just isn’t working anymore.” The ADHD brain wants its dopamine hit. It begins looking elsewhere for stimulation and comfort. This doesn’t mean the system has failed, was no good in the first place, or needs to be thrown out. IT ALSO DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE FAILED. Before scrapping your system, pause and take the opportunity to get creative and re-sparkle-ize your system. Make it flashy again to get your brain back on board.

Are you feeling like you need more? 

Stay tuned. Part 2 of The ADHD Brain and Systems will provide action steps you can take to design a system that works for you.

Prepare the Way for Your Future Self

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The headline for a news story on my weather app read, “Coast to Coast Feeling Arctic Blast;Will it End?” I laughed. It struck me as humorous and, at the same time, existentially philosophical in its phrasing: this negative

event is happening to us humans who fear daring to hope that the event is finite and that our discomfort will not last forever. Oh the dread and an

gst of our existence these few words capture, while also revealing the human tendency to believe that our current state of being is our only and our perpetual state of being. We struggle to  see past it to our future selves.

When our immediate state of affairs is positive, we are tricked into not planning for the future. We either believe that we are highly effective and our abilities have not only led us to this optimal performance, but they will also maintain us here,  or we fear that making any movement will disrupt the balance of things and cast us into a pit of doom. Sometimes these two oppositional forces exist within us at the same time.

At any rate, we avoid personal growth because we want nothing to change. We are as we want to be and we expect this to remain so from now until the end of time. Complaceny sets in. When things inevitably shift, we panic because we are not prepared.

When our immediate state of affairs is negative, it causes us to feel helpless to exert any meaningful action to change our environment, our situation, or ourselves. We either believe that some force of the universe has selected our life to lay waste to, or we blame ourselves and our impotency  for our misfortune. Sometimes we hold both of these thoughts at the same time. 

Our faulty memory tells us  that things have always been this way and will always be this way and that we have always failed in our effort to make them any different. Feeling powerless to move the needle toward what we really want, we do nothing.When things inevitably shift, we are not prepared.

There’s always room for personal growth, even when our lives  are at their best. In fact, this is the perfect time – when experiencing heightened optimism and satisfaction – to develop skills and strategies that will prepare us for change and move us toward the next goal. 

Likewise, we always have more power and control than we believe we do, even when things are as bad as they can get. This is the ideal  time to take a step to prove our own strength to ourselves. That small step will be the thing that turns the tide and pulls us out of our slump.

If you find yourself asking the question, “Will it end?”, you maybe at a turning point between who you are right now and your future self. Take care that your erroneous thoughts, beliefs, and feelings don’t ice you out. 

If you believe you need support and accountability to minimize frictional resistance to moving in your right direction, toward a future self who is competent and confident, a coach, whether for a sinc=gle session or multiple sessions, is the right professional to invite into your corner.

Take a Proactive Approach to the New Year

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Creating Change

Samantha and I spent the last couple of sessions analyzing her pattern of self talk and developing strategies to improve her internal conversation with herself. She says things to herself like, “I always make such stupid mistakes. I never pay attention to what I’m doing. Everybody knows I’m no good at this job.” 

She wants to shift from addressing her perceived shortcomings with self talk that is global (meaning it applies to her in all contexts), stable (meaning she cannot change), and internal (meaning it describes a core part of who she is) to self talk that is specific (meaning it addresses a single event), unstable (meaning it acknowledges that she has the power to change outcomes), and external (meaning she recognizes that there may be other explanations for an event that relate to the environment around her and not to who he is at her core).

 

Doing the Work of Personal Growth

Samantha decided to practice pausing, noticing the words she is saying to herself, and getting curious. She formulated response questions: Is this true?; Is this helpful or productive? What is my specific example? The next step after this pause and “curious reflection”is to reframe her self-talk in statements that are specific and flexible.

 

The “Great Ah-ha”

Through this exercise, Samantha experienced a “great ah-ha,” a moment of clarity. She said, “I realized I keep approaching things as I think they ‘should’ be done instead of in ways that work best for me.” She acknowledged that when she approaches the challenges of home, work, parenting, and general life in ways that are authentic to her, she experiences “more tangible success.”

This important shift in thinking is a huge step forward for my ADHD clients, as well as for my business development, leadership, and entrepreneurial clients. This is where they turn the corner and gain momentum toward their goals. At this stage of growth, it becomes important for us to keep this “great ah-ha” top of mind and to apply it intentionally. 

 

Staying Focused

As a result, Samantha and I explored what it means to act in accord with her authentic self and how she can know for certain that she is. What can she create and refer to to decide if her ideas,plans, projects, and actions align with her authentic self and what works best for her, thus increasing her probability for success.

The turn of a new year is a perfect time for us all to consider this, to ask the question, “how can I be sure that I’m approaching the things I do in a way that aligns with who I am, the best way for me to do things, and what I value?

Writing a personal vision statement can help us define the answer to this question. It provides a reference point for a reminder of who we are and how we want live our lives. Combined with a list of value statements, it becomes the foundation for setting goals, making decisions, driving success, and celebrating our unique individuality. A personal vision statement accompanied by a list of value statements enables us to proactively plan and prepare and to also retroactively assess and self-correct.

 

Develop Your Personal Vision Statement

In 1-2 sentences, describe your purpose, express your individuality, challenge yourself, and define your overall goal. Your personal vision statement becomes a source of motivation and grounding. 

If you still don’t know where to start, try using one of the following templates as a prompt. Just fill in the blanks:

  1. I aim to ________________________ so that ________________________ because ________________. With this in mind, I will strive to _____________________.
  2. To be ________________________ so that ___________________because ________________. I intend to ___________________ while also ________________.
  3. To __________________________ by doing ______________ so that _______________ because _________________.

Develop Your Personal Value Statements

One-sentence values statements share your principles and identity. They name what you’re committed to and unwilling to waver on. These are core beliefs and practices that thread through all you say and do and guide how you operate.

If creating these statements feels intimidating, try using a few of the following templates:

  1. I seek to _________________.
  2. I will serve _______________.
  3. I will find _____________.
  4. I commit to ______________.
  5. I will design ______________.
  6. I create ______________.
  7. I work ______________.
  8. I wikk integrate ________________.

Who Is Stopping You?

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Stella, a high-achieving entrepreneur in the event planning sector, came to her recent coaching session wanting to figure out how to create “breathing room” between the completion of one major project and the launch of another so that she doesn’t repeat the pattern of cascading from one chaotic situation to the next. Her past pattern of remaining in a constant state of overwhelm leaves her feeling exhausted and drained and puts a strain on her important relationships. She recognizes that she is the source of the barriers to peace and, therefore, she has the power to remove them to make space for a different reality.

Together, we explored what breathing room would look like for her and how much time she would need to devote to it for it to be effective. She discovered that recovery and reset for her involves three phases: physical exertion on a mindless task followed by opportunity for reflection on the completed work project followed by reconnecting with her husband and children through fun and family time. We examined each phase and how she would shape and execute it.

Stella agreed that all three phases are critical for her to keep the chaos at bay, yet, in planning for the execution of the final stage, she set it up in a way that prevented her from following through. First, she explained that she doesn’t know how to have fun, so I asked, “What’s more important, for you to have fun or for your children and husband to create a shared memory with you in which they’re having fun?” Perspective-taking is a difficult task for the ADHD brain, so Stella paused to process through this consideration of “fun.”

I then asked her what activity her family would enjoy doing together. Her brain was primed, now, to think of the fun from her children’s point of view. She offered up some ideas and said she would have to do some research to determine what’s offered in her city and when and the cost and so forth. 

“That sounds complicated and intensive,” I said. “It sounds like this is becoming your next big project. How does this fit in the timeframe you allotted for breathing room?” 

Stella sighed. In a moment of self-awareness, she said, “I’m doing it again. I always tell them we’ll have some fun, we’ll celebrate, when I get to the other side of my big event, but we never do.” This acknowledgement of the mismatch between her stated intentions and her actions caused her to pause and re-assess. It wasn’t that she always has too much to do or that “things just don’t work out,” as she’s excused the mismatch in the past. 

The ADHD issues affecting Stella’s ability to execute fun with her family include:

  • Difficulty with perspective taking
  • Difficulty recalling past events in order to modify approach to current events
  • Difficulty holding in mind the stated objective
  • Difficulty simplifying activities
  • Perfectionism
  • Procrastination

Through collaborative strategizing during the coaching session, Stella worked out how she will treat her family to some togetherness and fun, thus completing the third stage of recovery and reset so that she is rejuvenated and ready to begin on her next big work project. She decided not to postpone the fun until she could find the perfect activity, she called to mind

 past experiences and what she has learned, and she opted for a simpler more immediate activity in tune with her family’s interests, 

More than that, Stella gained more practice in recognizing her ADHD symptoms overriding her executive functions, thus developing and strengthening her ADHD management skills.

3 Step Framework for the Perfect Compliment

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Human relationships are built on communication. Our communication skills give others information about who we are, what they can expect from us, and how responsive we are to them. Good communication draws people into us. Bad communication creates friction and distancing.

Alice, a recent client, manages several employees in a customer-facing setting. Alice struggles with inattentive type ADD and often overlooks important environmental details and interpersonal cues. She’s not unlike many adults with ADD. What sets her apart, however, is that she invests in self improvement.

In one session she brought to the table a particular issue she was having with a subordinate. She had told a direct report, “You did good work on that project. I like what you did.” Later, when it got back to her that the employee was upset about her statement, Alice was utterly confused. Alice believed that she was developing good will, reinforcing skills, and encouraging a member of her team. From the employee’s perspective, however, it appeared that Alice had no idea the effort that was put into completing the project or the time it took to put it all together. The subordinate felt overlooked and discounted.

As Alice and I talked out the situation, it became evident how her well-intentioned words missed the mark. Receiving them was like receiving a participation trophy. They meant nothing in the context of the project or the subordinate’s abilities.

 

Benefits of Compliments

Compliments are an important part of communication. The extension of a well-worded compliment has several benefits, including:

*Creating positive emotional experiences for oneself and others.

*Creating and strengthening interpersonal and professional relationships.

*Providing valuable information regarding what someone is doing well.

*Promoting confidence in oneself and others.

*Demonstrating personal integrity and honesty.

 

Challenges to Giving Compliments

Most of us face some specific challenges to giving good compliments, particularly those of us with ADD and its symptoms. Communicating a powerful compliment requires:

*Slowing down and taking notice of the environment and of other people.

After our coaching session, Alice worked on being mindful of each employee’s activities and behaviors. She became an observer at work. She made notes about what she saw and heard. When it came time to give feedback in the form of a compliment, she was prepared with specifics.

*Critical thinking.

Not only that, but she practiced relating those specifics back to the job duties performed by those in her department. Making these connections, enabled her to speak the language of her organization and industry when relaying a compliment.

*Risking vulnerability.

Giving a powerful compliment can feel scary because it’s a two-way street of information. We worry that the other person won’t like us, or will question our motivation for the compliment, or that someone else will criticize us for speaking up. Alice  allowed herself to feel fearful of saying the wrong thing, accepted the discomfort as part of the process, and practiced extending better compliments.

 

S.O.S. Framework for Compliments

By developing mastery of communicating compliments, Alice changed the emotional atmosphere in her workplace and increased productivity from her team. She also gained their loyalty and began connecting with each person at a deeper level. How did she achieve this turn-around? She began using the S.O.S. Framework for compliments. A compliment must be:

*Specific

A compliment should name a project, a behavior, a result, a piece of data, etc. relevant to the person receiving the compliment.

*Objective

The compliment should reference behaviors, words, results, data, etc. that can be observed and validated by others on the team or in the community.

*Sincere

We compliment others because we want to, not because we have to or because we’re trying to gain something in return. A compliment is a gift without strings. Others can detect when it isn’t sincere.

 

Now, instead of empty compliments, like, “You did good work on that project. I like what you did,” Alice digs in and says something like, “That 95% customer satisfaction rating that came out of the campaign you spearheaded to greet every customer by name and provide a self-introduction contributed to a sales increase of 11% last quarter. Thank you for staying dedicated to it even when some of the team was pushing back.”